Vignettes: Black Friday

For the first time ever, the Magic Curiosities Emporium is having its very own Black Friday sale, and it's all thanks to me. It's been a few years since Master Mitawi offered me the opportunity to work under him as his apprentice. Well, more like forced me after aging me thirty-something years and refusing to turn me back into a teenager, but that's water under the bridge! I've grown to enjoy my line of work, and I've improved in my own magical skills. In fact, it was me who suggested we join the other shops in Black Friday. Mitawi was unconvinced, until I explained how we could deliver magic while reducing waste. We have so much junk in storage, stuff we couldn't even give away because it doesn't work right, or needs to be disposed of properly, or could be "dangerous" if you sold it and how could you even suggest giving a child one of... Ahem... So, we're having a little clearance sale while it's the right time for it.

The bulk of our clearance comes from expired potions. Yup, even potions have use-by dates and when they're no longer viable for consumption, we have a very delicate and complicated process of neutralising the effects before dumping them. Because the potions are still magic, and will still do what's intended. It's just that they come bundled with unwanted side effects. Or maybe it's a welcome side effect, It depends on who you ask. We do also have the occasional non-potion item on sale as well. Products we can't sell due to them being packaged wrong, or they don't work quite as intended. Normally they'd be locked away until their magical properties wear off. Now we're selling them at highly discounted prices! We've made quite a few sales today, which made my master happy, and of course, the ensuing chaos we created was a fun bonus.



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I've always passed by this odd looking magic shop on the way back to my dorms. Entered a few times too, but everything I was interested in was too expensive. So imagine my surprise when I discovered it was having a sale. And after browsing the shelves, I stumbled across the exact thing I had hoped to find; a muscle elixir, brewed to attain and maintain a herculean body with none of the effort! It was still a good fifty bucks, but with the original price being in the $1,000s, it was a hell of a bargain! The salesman said it was past its sell-by date, or past its prime as he so strangely put it, but it would still give me the muscle definition that I craved. I was in my second year in college and hadn't made a single connection. I put myself out there, believe me, but nobody even knows my name. If I get proper jacked, maybe I'll finally be noticed.

Once I reached my dorm room, I made sure I was alone before I popped the cork in the bottle, took a deep breath, and gulped down the liquid all at once. I shuddered at the taste, which was very reminiscent of a stale protein bar. It wasn't long until it took effect, and I watched in awe as my entire body started to inflate with pure muscle. It wasn't painful at all, until I began to outgrow my clothes. I deliberately kept everything on so I could experience the pleasure of hulking out, shredding my shirt to tattered rags. As the fabric exploded off my body, and I got my first glimpse of my bouncing pecs and stunning six pack, I was surprised to see they were coated with a healthy amount of dark hairs. I definitely didn't have any body hair before I drank the potion. I wondered if there was an increase in testosterone along with the muscle. When my beard, which had now gown thick and full, was rapidly switching from brown to white, I knew something was up. I could only watch as my skin roughened up, wrinkles etching into my face, and my hairline rapidly receded up and over my scalp. And then it was over.

I stared at my reflection, wide-eyed. I was definitely muscular, and that's an understatement. I was huge! But I looked double my age, at least! I recalled what the salesman said, that the potion was past its prime, and now I see he was playing games. After staring slack-jawed for so long, I eventually managed to process what had happened. It wasn't terrible, in fact I looked amazing! Sure, I was basically my dad's age now. I was losing my hair, and what was left was greying. But I'm in the fittest state anyone can ever expect to be, plus I don't even have to do anything to maintain that sweet definition. That elixir ensures i stay buff for life! So I lost a couple decades of my youth, there's always some sort of price to pay when it comes to magic. Now I'm sure to be noticed around campus, I'll be the buffest mature student around.

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I went in this magic shop on the way to school today and I found a magic potion that makes you older for only a dollar! I asked the man if it was real and would make me an adult because I didn't want to go to school anymore. He said it was real and should make you 10 years older but it was out of date which is why it was cheap. But it was still ok to drink 'cause the potion only gets stronger the longer its left so it makes you older than it should but that's OK since i wanted to be extra older anyway. So I bought it and the man said I shouldn't drink it all 'cause it'd make me old like him but I wanted to be old like him because he's bigger than my daddy and he looks real cool with his muscles and moustache. So I drank the whole bottle moment I opened it and it made my tummy feel all weird and the man rolled his eyes and said something about me not listening but i was too focused how i was growing bigger straight away.

I got really really tall and lots of hairs grew all over my legs and arms and belly and I got a beard and it was really itchy! Things stopped happening for a bit, but then my muscles got softer and I got a bigger belly and my skin was all rough and splotchy and my new hairs were turning white. I got a bit scared because I wanted to get older but I didn't want to be too old and maybe I should have listened to the man because now I had wrinkly skin and my hair was disappearing. When I was sure it was all done I saw a mirror and looked at myself and I knew that I should have listened to that man because it really did made me really old. I had a big, white beard and lots of white hair all over my body but I had no hair on top of my head which felt weird because I've never had no hair on my head before. And I had little saggy boobs which I thought only girls got but I had them, as well as a soft belly. My face and my hands were all splotchy and wrinkly and I looked like my grampa but my grampa isn't as grey and wrinkly because he likes to exercise. I think I might really be older than my grampa so that's weird because he's already really old and now I'm older! The man threw some clothes at me and sent me to a room to get dressed because he said nobody wanted to see a naked old man. So I took the clothes and got dressed which was hard because I couldn't stretch down good and I felt achy in my elbows and my knees and my back. When I came out of the room the man gave me a card with an address on it which he said was a special place that cares for people when magic makes them old and that I should go there because I was old now. So that's why I'm here! I need somewhere to stay while the magic people figure out how to make me young again. That is what they're going to do right?

Well, I sent little Timmy to a retirement home my master has connections with. They take care of anyone who magically ends up in their twilight years without hope of regaining their youth. And Timmy's joined the ranks of the elderly. We're not figuring out a way to make him young again. Not unless he has the money to spare. I mean, we're not running a charity here! I know it sounds harsh but it's his own fault. I did warn him that the potion was extra potent after all. He chose to gulp it down entirely and now he's seventy years older. Besides, they run a top-notch service in that old folk's home. He'll be fine...

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I bought this neat-looking crystal ball from some antique store on the way home today. Normally I don't pay any attention to the local shops, but it was Black Friday, and I felt drawn to it. The cashier insisted that it really worked, and I could see my future in it. Plus, it was on clearance for $10, so I had to grab the bargain while I could. I rushed home so I could unwrap the ball from its bubbled cocoon, gently placing it onto the supplied stand. My mind reeled with questions about what my future held. Who would I go to prom with, do I go to college, what my first job will be. Though I ultimately decided I could get into specifics later. I sat across from the ball and asked it a simple question. "O crystal ball, what will my life be like 20 years from now?". The ball emanated a soft, pulsating glow that was almost hypnotic. I leaned towards the glow, my nose touching its smooth surface in an attempt to peer into my future. But try as I might, I couldn't make out anything from within. I sighed loudly. Maybe the ball was busted. It would explain why it was on clearance. That was a waste of 10 bucks...

I left the glowing ball by itself and turned my attention to the new Pokemon game instead. As I prepared myself for a gym challenge, I began to feel bloated, like I'd eaten a huge meal. It wasn't until I heard a ripping noise that I realised something was wrong. I paused the game, and tried to find the source of the sound. When I moved, I heard it again. I looked down and yelled in shock, my clothes were tearing apart! Not only that, but I was growing? I jumped to my feet and wobbled, unused to the change in height and weight. My clothes tatters fell off my body, leaving me naked, cold, and acutely aware of how hairy and pudgy I had become. What was happening to me!? I ran into the hallway and gasped, seeing myself in the mirror. I looked like a grown up... I would be the spitting image of my dad if I didn't have this beard... But what... The crystal ball! It really worked! I mean, kind of. I didn't expect to see my future by actually being forced into it.

I studied my body with apprehension. This definitely wasn't how crystal balls were supposed to work, right? By making the person actually grow older to see their future. And If this was my future self, I wasn't sure I likde it. I always imagined growing up to be some muscle-bound stud, a baseball star in the major leagues, and not too shabby with the ladies. I never imagined I'd become some hairy, out-of-shape loser... Though when I think about it, it makes sense. My fantasy self was just that, a fantasy. The way I look more is more realistic, and I'm not ugly or disgusting by any means. In fact, I'm perfectly normal and that's just fine! I don't need to be extraordinary to have a good life, I just have to be me... Woah, I never expected to get a life lesson out of this crystal ball. Then again, I didn't expect to be turned into a bushy bearded man by it either. I really should return back to normal. Let's see...

I cleared my throat and spoke in a deep yet soft voice "O crystal ball, can you return me back to how my life used to be 20 years ago?". I waited for a moment but the ball was unresponsive. I tried again. "O crystal ball, what was my life like 20 years in the past?". Still nothing. Not even the faintest of glows. Perhaps it only showed the future. Or it really was broken like I first thought. I almost asked it another question about my future, but I didn't want to risk getting even older. 20 years was more than enough! But that was a problem, how was I going to explain this to my parents? And what was I going to do with this crystal ball now? It was useless to me at this point. Then again... Maybe I don't have to look into my own future, maybe I could offer my services to those curious enough about their own futures...

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They were selling this pair of tighty-whities in the magic shop today, on sale for under a dollar. The box was sealed tight, and the underwear wasn't really my style, but I still bought a pair. The guy said it would transform me into someone completely different. Looking at the packaging, there was a sexy man on the front. The kind of man I longed to be but never had the motivation to achieve. Could I be like that man by wearing them? There was only one way to find out... I slipped the underwear on, and waited it out a bit. I begin to feel lightheaded. Maybe they were working, I was getting taller! I was a short, squat man, so that was appreciated. Though it was weird that my belly didn't go away. In fact, it almost appeared to be bigger. Wait a second... I yelled out in shock, I was actually getting fatter! Why was I putting on weight!? I was already overweight, I bought these things to get into shape! I watched dumbstruck as my gut pushed itself until it sagged over the waistband. What I thought were blossoming pecs were actually soft moobs that drooped down on top of my gut.

I was so focused on my weight gain that I failed to notice a fuzzy layer of hair that had erupted all over my body, even giving my back a fine coating. But when I did notice, I screamed loudly! I've never been a hairy man, I've always shaved what little I had, and now there was too much to cope with! But that wasn't the last of it, I watched teary-eyed as my beautiful hair slipped off my head, leaving me with a buzzed cut and male pattern baldness. I grabbed the box and compared us in disbelief. The man on it was a hunk, with defined, smooth muscles. I was a fat, hairy slob whose underwear was too small to contain his flabby ass. I scratched my balding head, trying to figure out what went wrong. I got the underwear to look like the guy on the front! Now I looked like I could be his dad. I looked old. I couldn't believe it. What would my boyfriend think...

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I came across a watch in a local shop while looking at their sales items. Most of them were bottles of weird coloured liquids, but the watch was the highlight. My dad always told me I needed a watch because phones aren't 'good enough', apparently. It was only $5, and the salesman said it was special somehow. He almost made it sound like it could control time, but that's dumb. It may have been a magic shop, but I know it's all pretend.

When I got home, I set the time and noticed there were other buttons on it. Curious, I pressed a few and nothing happened. I imagine it was in the sale because not all the functions worked. That didn't bother me, I only needed it to tell the time. It's not like I need a stopwatch or something. Still, I noticed one button was glowing unlike the others. I pressed it, and the screen changed to a number. 11.5. That's funny, I thought. That's around how old I was. It started to count upwards. 11.6. 11.7. 11.9. 12.3. 12.8. The number rapidly shot upwards. I pressed the button to stop it, but nothing happened. Confused, I noticed something weird about the watch. It looked smaller on my wrist. Or rather, my wrist and even my hand seemed larger, the fingers were longer, and black hairs were growing on the knuckles. More hairs were growing on my arms, and was it just me or was the room shrinking around me? I looked at the watch screen again. 15.1. 15.6. 16.2.

I was feeling nauseous now as I kept growing bigger. I stumbled to the bathroom, almost falling over my massive feet with every step, hoping that what was happening to me wasn't happening. I burst through the door and yelped in fear. There was a stranger inside, except the stranger was me! I'd grown a heck of a lot taller, and my clothes were all ripped from the growth. I glanced at my watch again. 20.1 20.9. 21.6. 22.2. It wasn't my imagination, the watch was making me grow older! I reached up and touched my face, wincing from the fuzzy feeling underneath my hand. I really had a beard! More hair was rapidly growing across my round pecs and thickset waist. I had to stop this somehow! My first thought was to undo the watch and chuck it across the bathroom. It didn't help, I could still see the number ticking upwards with no end in sight. More hair was growing on my shoulders now, and my muscles wouldn't stop getting larger. I snatched the watch back and started pressing buttons. There had to be a stop button, a backwards button, an anything button that would end this! I thought of crushing the watch within my stronger hands in frustration but if breaking it didn't stop me aging, then I'd never be able to stop it...

Just as I was about to lose hope, I noticed the number started to slow down. 33.8. 34.5. 34.9. 35.2. 35.3... It stopped. I collapsed with a sigh of relief! I don't know what I did, but I wasn't aging any more! I set the watch aside for a minute and let my mind relax before I could allow myself to think about what just happened. I was 35 years old now! I looked at myself in the mirror, trying to fathom it all. I could still recognise myself in the eyes, but everything else was different. I looked like a brute of a man, large and imposing with oversized muscle and thick body hair all over. Even my newly grown beard made me look brutish. I looked like I could be my own uncle at this point. I was older than my mom and my dad... I didn't want to older than them! There had to be a way to fix this. I picked up the watch again and noticed none of the buttons were glowing. In fact, the screen wasn't even lit up. Did it run out of battery? It couldn't have, I needed it to be a kid again! I have to go back to that shop and get it fixed before anyone finds out. But first, I need some clothes.


The burly giant did come back to the store, watch in hand, demanding some help. I told him that while I'd love to help,it was a sale item and unfortunately, no refunds or reversals! It was on sale for a reason, after all. In a show of good faith, I did disable all of the magical functions so he could continue using it as a watch. Of course, the watch had already fixed reality so he'd fit in back home. He wasn't too happy about being his mom's older brother, nor his new job as a security guard at the rowdy nightclub across the street, but that's what happens when you mess with magic whether you believe in it or not.