The Decades Cigar

Ethan had rushed to his best friend's house after Bruno texted him about an epic surprise that'd help solve their vaping issues. It was getting harder and harder to keep their habit under wraps from their parents. Until now, the only appropriate option was to quit. But if Bruno had found something, it was probably big.

As the door opened, Ethan was somewhat taken aback. There was an unfamiliar man on the other side smoking a cigar. He cracked a massive smile upon seeing the portly teen at his door, deep wrinkles cutting onto his leathery face. "Hey buddy!" he cried in a rough yet familiar tone, beckoning him inside.

Following the man through the hallway, Ethan did his best to dodge the cigar smoke, which wouldn't help his case if his parents caught a whiff of it on his clothes. Through the haze, he asked, "Hi, uhm, have we met before?"

"You could say that," the gruff man replied, a sly grin flashed across his lips. "I'm Bruno's, uhh, uncle. From his dad's side. Thought I could help with your little predicament."

Bruno never mentioned having an uncle who also smoked, even if it was cigars instead of vapes. Maybe the older man knew something that would convince their parents it wasn't that big a deal. As they entered the kitchen, the man ducked behind a cabinet and poured himself a glass of whiskey, which looked close to empty. Yet, Ethan couldn't help but notice what was missing. "Uhm, sir? Where exactly is Bruno?"

The man raised an eyebrow and grinned. "Sir? No need to be so formal, we're pals, right?"

"Are we?" Ethan replied with a nervous chuckle. "Bruno said he was alone this weekend, why would he need someone looking after him? He hasn't before..." 

The burly man downed his whiskey in a single gulp, then glared down at Ethan, his rough muscles flexed, his rugged features stoic. That is, until he snorted and dissolved into laugher. "Oh man, I can't keep this up! You're far too suspicious, dude! It's me, stupid. I'm Bruno!

 "You're Bruno? Was he named after you? He's never mentioned you before..."

Bruno Sr. deflated, his revelation having passed over Ethan's head. He mumbled a series of curses under his breath, and clarified. "There is no uncle! I'm the one and only Bruno. Your Bro-no, even. This is what I texted you about!"

Ethan stepped backwards, eyeing the man up and down, unconvinced. He had to be 30 years his senior, at least. "You're Bruno?" He muttered with skepticism.

"Of course I am." Bruno tapped his clefted chin, what could convince his younger friend... Then he smirked. "How else would I know that you have a crush on the rabbit from Zootopia?"

Ethan blushed red, and immediately flustered, "Wh- No I don't... Why would you- It's-"

"Yeah you do. You like her so much, you have a plushie of her that you sleep with at night, like a security blanket."

"Sh-shut up! You're one to talk, you like that bull police chief!"

"Yeah, and I fucking own it instead of treating it like some shameful secret. He's total furry bait, anyway. Unlike the cutesy rabbit."

While Ethan still couldn't believe the ma in front of him was his best friend, Bruno swore he'd never tell anyone about Judy, not even under torture! Which meant... "You're really Bruno... Like, actually him! I'm sorry, you just look so...different. You're, uhm, more mature than usual."

"No need to be polite," Bruno chuckled as he stubbed out his cigar. "I know that I look way past my prime. I have that rugged, daddy look. Face like a leather mitt, salt n' pepper locks, and I'm pretty sure I have a bald spot." He turned and pointed to the back of his head where, sure enough, there was a decent-sized patch of bare skin surrounded by thinning hair. "At least I managed to keep in shape for a guy my age, whatever that may be."

There were countless questions running through Ethan's mind, but only one managed to escape his lips. "How even is this you?"

"It's all thanks to these beauties". He pulled over a box of cigars, presumably the same kind he was smoking, and fished one out. "I got 'em from some sort of magic shop. Each one you smoke makes you older. Pretty cool, huh?"

"Uhh, I suppose?" Ethan didn't sound convinced. He couldn't figure out why Bruno thought this could help them in any way. He noticed the name on the cigar, and said aloud, "Decades?"

"Yup. Each cigar has enough juice packed inside to make you ten years older. Or as the packaging says, it'll take years off your life!" Bruno snorted at the morbid pun, while Ethan looked aghast.

"How many have you smoked, exactly?"

"Oooh, I think that was my fourth one..." He said sheepishly, rubbing the back of his head. His hand lingered on his bald spot before he reached out to pour another glass of whiskey. "Don't get me wrong, I only expected to smoke the one, and be done with it. But that first cigar... Wow! The bold flavor was addictive enough, but the feeling of your youth slipping away, getting bigger and manlier. It's... Indescribable... You don't want to stop at one. The years just disappear and before you know it, you're middle-aged with gray hair and wrinkles." 

It sounded like a nightmare to Ethan, yet the way Bruno spoke made it sound pleasurable, even nostalgic. The older man continued, "I almost considered smoking another until you arrived. Which is lucky for you, since now you can try it yourself. Here!" He held out an unlit cigar to Ethan, who glared at it suspiciously. "I know it sounds crazy but this will solve everything."

Ethan shoved Bruno's hand away, saying "You haven't exactly sold me on them, man..." Judging by his friend's description and grizzled appearance, these cigars were super addictive. Why else would he smoke so many at once? And these was a lingering question on his mind. "You haven't even explained why they'd help us."

"Isn't it obvious? Look at me." Bruno waved a hand up and down in front of his mature body. "I'm a fucking man now! We wouldn't have to hide our vaping from anyone, since we'd be adults who can vape wherever the fuck they like. Actually, fuck vaping, we're gonna be fucking smokers like proper men! We'll get awesome jobs, and rent out our own place. Somewhere with a balcony where we can smoke a cigar and drink whiskey as the sun sets. Don't you want that?"

"I would love to," Ethan said sincerely. "But I don't think you've thought this through properly... We won't have any proper identity, for one. How would we get jobs without that?"

"We'll find a way!" Bruno spat, though he didn't seem entirely convinced himself. "You just need a little faith, and trust in me."

Ethan eyed the cigar, his fingers pacing on the table. It sounded tempting. Could he really do it? He almost reached for it, then snatched his hand away. "It's not that I don't trust you, but it's a lot to ask for two kids from high school... Besides, you've seen how all the men in my family look, right? I don't really want to rush into excessive body hair and male pattern baldness."

"Ohh, I get it now," Bruno growled with a chuckle. He slipped his hands behind his head and leaned back against the counter. "You're not ready to embrace your future self. You're content sticking to your cute, little life as a boring, everyday teen. You want to cling to the present, too afraid to face your family ancestry in its hairy, hairy face."

"C'mon, dude," Ethan insisted. "You know it's not like that..."

"Then stop being such a pussy! You only need to try one. Just one little puff, and you'll know that I'm right..."

Ethan felt like he couldn't move. His older friend bore down on him with a sinister smile, his weathered skin cracked around the eyes. He didn't want to be a wrinkled, middle-aged fogie. He didn't want back hair or a receding hairline. He liked being young. But young people couldn't smoke freely, they couldn't drink whiskey with their friends, they couldn't have independence from their families...

With a shaky hand, Ethan grabbed the cigar from Bruno, who only nodded his head, pleased with his friend's decision. Ethan rolled it between his hands, feeling its surprising heft. He didn't have to smoke as many as Bruno did. He could just have the one, and call it quits. He'd still reap the benefits of adulthood without the downsides of middle age. They couldn't be that addictive, could they? Just one cigar, it's all he needed...