Cock-Up

The first mistake Richard made was drinking with his roommate, Johnny. He had moved in with the guy about 5 months ago, and they hadn't really bonded with each other until this moment. Richard was a very solitary man who kept to himself, while Johnny was an outgoing party animal who was out most nights. But he had wanted to get closer to him, if just to stave off the awkwardness whenever they were in the same room together. So when Johnny's plans fell through one night, he pushed himself to suggest binging a reality dating show together.

It started off casual. They chatted about their work, Richard worked in a deliveries warehouse, while Johnny worked in entertainment, shadowing an illustionist. He called himself a sorcerer's apprentice, but that was just the schmaltzy way of saying he did magic tricks. He even performed an impromptu show, making the dining room chairs and table hover and spin, which impressed Richard entirely. Although, he was a bit of a lightweight when it came to alcohol. He was already highly inebriated after his first beer. 

That was his second mistake. As his roommate moved on from the magic show, his focus drawn by a cheating scandal on TV, the conversation moved to sexual exploits. Johnny was quite boastful about his many soirées. Whereas, Richard was less than experienced. In fact, he couldn't stop himself from blurting out that he was still a virgin. The energy in the room changed as Johnny zoned in on his confession, asking how? Why? Why not? But Richard stayed evasive. Thankfully, all was forgotten as the fake tension of break-ups happened on the TV, but not entirely...

Over the next few days, Richard did his best to avoid Johnny, who seemed overly interested in him. Yeah, he was a virgin, but he didn't want to throw it away with just anyone. It's not like Johnny wasn't a hunk. He was a poster boy for good looks. But he was loud, abrasive, and far too into himself. Not to mention the laundry list of previous endeavours. No, he wanted his first time to be meaningful to both parties.

Finally, things came to a head one morning while Richard was mulling over Halloween costume ideas. Did he want to go as Joe Locke in Heartstoppers or Joe Locke in Agatha? As he shifted between his web browser tabs, Johnny stepped into his room with a confident rap on the door. "Dicky boy!" He declared with gusto. "I was thinking about your little V-card ish, and I have a proposition for ya."

It was the moment Richard had been dreading. He just had to rip off the band-aid. He cleared his throat and stumbled over his words as he tried to put him down gently. "Uhm, I'm flattered, but you're not exactly my type..."

Johnny broke into a broad grin. "Back atcha. I like a man with meat on his bones, and you're barely 120 pounds soaking wet." The lug broke into a boisterous laugh that Richard didn't join. He may not have wanted the attention, but could it have killed the guy to be less honest? Johnny wiped away a tear before continuing, "No, no. It sounds to me that you're not confident in your sexual prowess. So I figured we could practice a little."

"Meaning?"

"Well, if you had a better idea of how to do the do, then when it comes around, you'll know what to do."

It sounded ridiculous to Richard at first, although when he thought on it, it sort of made sense. He had the know-how, but it was all from watching porn. Without applying it practically, he might always psych up his first time into an impossibility. And he definitely didn't want that. So with a quiet sigh, he agreed to the peculiar idea. That was his final mistake.

No More!

PART ONE

It was the sunniest day of the summer. Folks were out and about enjoying the beaches and parks while they still could, because fall was just around the corner. School was due to start in a couple weeks, and kids of all ages wanted to squeeze every last piece of enjoyment out of it. Nobody wanted to sit inside playing video games at a time like this!

Well, nobody except for Phillip and Lee. Even now, they were cooped up in the play room, air conditioning blasting on max, music blaring from the speakers as they threw insults and banana peels at each other in a relatively friendly round of Mario Kart, the electricity bill creeping ever higher.

Well, I was having none of that. It may be just another day of summer vacation, a summer that was rapidly drawing to a close, but they shouldn't be wasting it on a stale racing game. Not on my watch.

I'd just stepped back into the house after a pleasant snooze in the warm sun, when I came across the sad mess. I walked into the play room, causing Phillip to scramble for the pause button, and I stepped dead center in front of the TV, resting against the shelving beneath it. "I don't get you boys," I said cheerfully. "It's a beautiful day outside, and you're cooped up inside playing your video games. You don't have long until you have to go back to school. You should be making the most of it!"

I wasn't expecting an outburst of eager cries declaring me the wisest person alive or anything, but I at least expected an answer. I'm afraid my words of encouragement fell on deaf ears. Phillip gaped at me, while Lee did his best not to look in my direction. Although I could tell he was covertly peeking at me through his fingers. Finally, Phillip groaned. "Oh my god, dad! Put some clothes on!"

I chuckled and scratched at the hairs across my pecs. I was only wearing a pair of gym shorts after all. "I've been outside, enjoying that glorious sun I just told you about. You've heard of the sun, right? Big ball of fire that provides warmth and life to the planet? When was the last time you saw that, huh?"

Daaaaaad!" Phillip moaned, which only made me grin harder. I did enjoy making him suffer from embarrassment from time to time. It made up for all the times he embarrassed me in similar situations. Lord knew the amount of times he'd walk around the house in his underwear when I had company round. "Just get out of the way, I'm so close to winning!"

"Not if my blue shell has anything to say about it," Lee chuckled, still trying to avoid looking in my general direction.

I stood up, stretching out my limbs with an exaggerated sigh. "Well, why don't I join you boys? I could play as the little dinosaur guy. What's he called again, Yogi?"

"Daaaad!" Phillip almost screamed. He knew I was joshing, and I knew that only made him more annoyed. I tried not to let myself grin too wide. Revenge is sweet after all. Phillip dropped his controller, stood up, and grabbed me by the arm, dragging me out of the room. "Why are you doing this? You know I had Lee over, there's no reason to parade your body and act out like this!".

"Hey, I'm just following your lead. At least I have shorts on. Remember the time Benny was here and you accidentally mooned him?"

"I'd rather forget... And that's different, I didn't know any better. You should know that no kid wants to see their friend's dad half naked" Phillip pinched the bridge of his nose, and grunted. "Look, we want to finish the tournament before Lee's mom picks him up. At least put some damn clothes on for her sake!"

Hidden Cove, Hidden Intentions

"I don't think we're allowed out here," Oscar grumbled as he tip-toed through the overgrown path. "Did you see those signs? It looked like a bunch of warnings..."

"Ah, you worry too much, bud!" Ron grinned. "I did some research before the trip, and this place cropped up! It's off-the-radar, untouched by the masses." As they stumbled down the rocky path, they stepped into the secluded cove of Tānetanga and they both gaped. "See? Paradise! And look, there are other people here. So much for warnings."

Oscar looked at the other people, subconsciously noting a heavy presence of men. It was a pretty looking beach, but he would still rather be at the large beach where everyone else was, where the ice cream truck was, and that super-cool inflatable slide floating just off shore. But he rarely got to spend time with his dad. He was surprised his mom even let them go on vacation, just the two of them. She always complained about him. How he's always late on child support, he only shows up when he needs something, that he's a charlatan, whatever that was. So to allowed them to go all the way to New Zealand must mean that she trusts him for once.

As he walked down toward the beach, Oscar felt a tingle in his feet. The familiar warmth of the sun-baked sand spread across his soles. Except he was wearing flip-flops and standing in the shade. When he did step out into the sun, the intensity increased until it spread throughout his body. He'd never felt such a curious warmth. It was like he was wrapped in a particularly uncomfortable sweater. 

Ron shook out his fold-up chair and draped it with a beach towel, before collapsing into the seat with a sigh. While Oscar had only brought a towel with him, which he carefully spread out on the sand. He could still feel that warmth. Even stripped down to his swimming trunks, it left him feeling sticky.

"Dad, I feel weird..."

"It's all that sugar you had before we left."

"No, it's something else... I don't like it here, can we go?"

"What? We just got here! At least give it a chance!" Ron looked up and pointed to the ocean. "Hey, there's another kid here. Why don't you go play with him?"

"Him?" Oscar asked, squinting at the figure. "He has to be, like, five years older than me. He won't want anything to do with me."

"You won't know until you go and ask, champ. Now go! Have fun!"

Ron gave him a little shove, and shooed him away. Oscar stomp-kicked his way through the sand with a scowl. His dad never listened to him. He was too busy with his weird conspiracy podcasts and get rich quick schemes that never seemed to work. Not that it stopped him from being drawn to every MLM or snake oil salesman imaginable. But he couldn't let that bother him now. Knowing his dad, he'd probably get bored after ten minutes and they'll stroll back to the hotel.

New Beginnings

For the past several months, Jonathan had been stuck in a rut. something didn't feel right, and he couldn't place a finger on it. He had a respectable, well-paying job at a regional publishing company, he was in the best of health for a man of his age, relatively trim with a winning smile, a youthful visage, and a full head of thick, blond-grey hair. Yet despite his enviable position in life, he just didn't feel satisfied at all. Every day was the same. Wake up, go to work, come home, bed. Perhaps his job was to blame. It had consumed his life, he hadn't even taken a vacation in nearly two years. But he'd always been a go-getter, right from his first day on the job, which was... how many years ago now? Unfortunately, an unassuming letter left on his desk would bare the terrible news.

30 YEARS AT PLACEHOLDER PUBLISHING - AND MANY MORE TO COME!

30 years working in publishing. 3 whole decades. Johnathan turned to the floor-to-ceiling windows in his office, staring out to space. Surely at one point, he had far bigger plans that didn't involve sitting behind a desk for more than half his life. Right? He had initially joined Placeholder as a temporary means to support his growing family. But he became comfortable. Sure, he'd made a name for himself, rose through the ranks until he had his own private office, with a secretary and a six-figure salary. But what had he really accomplished? Even the family plan backfired years ago, not a surprise given how he married the first woman he knocked up. One messy divorce, and a stressful custody battle later, he was alone in the two-bedroom family home he invested in so many years ago. His little boy was now a man himself, leading a very different life in a very different country, a life that no longer included him outside of the seldom birthday or holiday. If his past self could look at him now, he'd likely hate the man he had become. 

It was this crushing realisation that had led Jonathan to wander downtown straight after work. He had to prove to himself that there was more to his life than his work. He could still be impulsive and spontaneous. Which is when he came across a mysterious shop. Inside was a menagerie of unique and curious items. All with ridiculous claims of magic and power. He'd only seen shops like this in the movies. As he browsed the shelves, he felt someone tap him on the shoulder. He flinched and spun around, coming face to face with a stocky man around his own age, with thinning hair and a bushy mustache. The man tapped his foot impatiently, pointing to the tacky watch around his thick wrist.

"I'm closing in five. You looking for something specific?"

"Oh, well... I don't know really. I was just browsing..."

"Great, one'a these guys..." The man grumbled under his breath with a slump of the shoulders. "Look, the Boss-Man's got some intense magic training planned, and he does not like to be kept waiting. So if you don't mind, I'm just gonna..." He trailed off as he cracked his knuckles, and rubbed his palms together

"Magic training? What nonse-" Jonathan began to ask when the man suddenly snapped his hands up to his forehead, his rough fingers pressed firm against his temples. He mumbled something under his breath, and Johnathan felt a tightness in his chest, like he was holding his breath. A tightness that relieved once he opened his mouth and blurted out, "I need something to fix my life! I always dreamed of excitement and adventure and travelling the world! Instead, I'm stuck in a nowhere job, with an ex-wife, and a son who doesn't speak to me and lives in fucking Korea! How did this happen to me? I had plans... I just need a second chance..."

"Ah, classic mid-life crisis," the man chuckled as he released his grip on Jonathan's head, who felt faint as he tried to gather his breath once more. "Too easy." He strolled down the preceding aisle with determination, swiping a few products as if by random. Jonathan frowned, he wasn't having a midlife crisis. He had no desire for fast cars and trophy wives. This was a perfectly normal way to feel when things weren't going according to plan. Before he could complain, the man popped back with a glass tube containing a glittery block. "You're lucky I concocted a few of these last week for one of the Boss-Man's assignments; life trade tablets," he declared with gusto. "Crush it with the person whose life you want, and you'll trade places. You get a fancy new livelihood to spice things up, and they get whatever funky mess you've got going on. Simple."

Jonathan gazed into the tube with uneasy curiousity. Normally he'd consider such statements as foolish nonsense. But there was something about the shimmering tablet that called out to him. "We just crush it? There's no ritual or incantation or spooky voodoo shit?" He wiggled his fingers for dramatic effect, a motion the man rolled his eyes at. "Do I at least need consent from the other person beforehand?"

"Sure, if you want. Or don't. What do I care? Whatever gets your pitiable ass out of this store, so I can lock up." He was pretty blunt for a shopkeeper, and Jonathan wasn't sold on the concept. But this was exactly his problem, he wasn't spontaneous enough, stuck in his ways. So he shoved those thoughts aside and took the plunge. Now all he needed was someone he could swap with.

Spectacular Hair Growing Miracle

James was a little worried about his son. He'd received a package in the mail, whereupon he immediately ran upstairs with it and to the bathroom. At his age, it was probably best not to ask any questions or interrupt under most circumstances. Boys will be boys, after all. But then he could hear him cussing out loud, even from downstairs. It sounded like whatever he'd bought, it wasn't going the way he wanted. It was probably another of those cheap doohickeys from that dumb online shopping app everyone seemed to be into these days. He didn't care for it, of course. A lot of the cheap tat on there was either faulty or fake. It's too good to be true, he always said, because there was always a reason for the price.

As James walked upstairs, he noticed that the bathroom door wasn't properly closed, there was a slither of a gap. Outside the bathroom, he could hear the shower running, his son groaning and cursing under his breath. He always tried to give his son some privacy, but he also had to make sure he wasn't in any trouble. So James rapped on the bathroom door. "You okay in there, Duncan?" he asked.

He heard him grunt in surprise, followed by the sound of scrambling hands and bottles. Eventually, Duncan yelled back, "everything's peachy! Don't come in!" Yet his voice sounded scratchy, gravelly even. As if he'd caught a cold. The shower turned off, and there was more of that whispered cussing that sounded unusually deep as it echoed around the bathroom walls. 

"I wasn't going to!" James replied. "But if there's something you want to talk about, you know I'm here." Even if it was embarrassing, he couldn't leave him injured or in pain.

There was a few seconds pause before Duncan finally replied, "Fine... Just don't look until I tell you to." James pushed the door open slowly, his hand covering his eyes, and stepped inside. He could see Duncan's feet as he stood in the shower entrance. But they looked bigger, swollen even. They led up to a pair of hair-covered legs that he couldn't remember his son ever having. A towel hung loose against his knees, flapping as it unfurled and assumedly wrapped around his waist. Duncan let out a heavy sigh. "Okay," he grunted. "You can look, but don't be mad..."

James uncovered his eyes, and jolted back in surprise, slamming his back into the now shut door. Instead of the husky, young teen he was expecting to see, he was faced with a burly, hirsute, middle-aged man.  There was a guilty look on his rounded face. Yet despite the salt and pepper beard, and the weathered skin, and the completely bald scalp, he could make out a strong familial resemblance. As if this man could have been his uncle. And yet, his gut told him otherwise.

 

 

"Okay, I know this looks bad," the man grumbled as he sheepishly rubbed his scalp. Which had to be the biggest understatement. It looked like his son had been replaced by a man far older, far hairier, and far huskier than even himself. The man could sense James' apprehension, and added, "Let me explain everything!"

Morning Pranks

It was the morning following a very successful sleepover for Jackson and Bart. They'd stayed up watching scary movies with lots of snacks, and very little adult supervision. For the most part, his embarrassing dad had kept to himself for the evening. And now, the following morning, the two boys were battling each other in the newest Boulevard Brawler game. Things were going well until Bart finally piped up.

"Your dad's acting weird today."

His dad was always weird, Jackson thought to himself. But it was true, he'd been even weirder this morning. It all started when Bart woke him up from a blissful sleep, having crept out of the room to use the bathroom, only to find it occupied. Inside, his dad was in his undies, staring at himself in the mirror and flexing at himself. He even grabbed his phone so he could take some selfies, until he finally noticed the two boys giggling uncontrollably in the doorway. 

That wasn't too weird, his dad was pretty egotistical about his huge size, and masculine appearance. He worked out most days, when he wasn't on the construction site putting those muscles to good use. He even had beard paraphernalia around the house because he was obsessed with his bushy facial fur. But Jackson had never actually seen him acting so narcissistic. Maybe this is what he was like behind closed doors. And that was just the start of it.

Glitter Bomb

Trent yawned and stretched his arms as he stumbled downstairs. He wasn't usually awake this early, but today was a special day; it was his sixteenth birthday. And it wasn't just any old birthday, it was a Leap Year birthday. He was used to having his birthday on the wrong day, so whenever February 29th came around, it was cause for a proper celebration on his proper birth day, the day he could only celebrate every four years.

The smell of roasted coffee wafted in the air, his mom already awake and making his favorite breakfast. And in the living room, there was already a small pile of gifts and cards for him to open. Trent didn't want to open anything until the rest of his family were there, but cards were always a go-to. He tore through the pile of envelopes, smiling at the thoughtful messages his parents wrote, and frowning at the 4th birthday jabs from his friends. His brother even got him a card made for pre-schoolers with dancing, rectangular dogs that wished him a bonzer birthday, whatever that meant. After opening another card from a distant relative with a $10 bill inside, he came to the last card in the pile. It looked a little haphazard, and he could feel something other than the card on the inside. He didn't recognise the handwriting at all, but that wasn't much of a concern. It wasn't like he knew everyone who'd sent him a card by their script. But this one felt different. Out-of-place...

Trent opened the envelope, a small smirk slipping his lips. It was a picture of a prune wearing a birthday hat. Wildly different from the other cards he'd received. Then he opened the card itself, and was immediately blinded by a puff of smoke and glitter. He dropped the card on the table, coughing as he tried wiping the offensive dust away from his eyes. Who would do something so stupid?? He grabbed the card again to find out who to yell at.

Dear Trent

Happy "16th" Birthday! What a day to celebrate it on!

Love

X

He scratched his head, confused. There was no name to who sent it, just a cross. He sighed, trying to put the memory of the glitter bomb aside. At least they signed it with him celebrating his sixteenth, unlike his immature friends. He may have been born in a leap year, but he didn't find the whole "your real age is a quarter what it actually is" thing funny. Then again, he noticed the sendee put 16th in quotations. What was that about?

He dropped the card down again, and sighed as he looked at his hands. They were coated in that fine glitter from inside the card. Plus, a load of it clung to his night-shirt in a shimmering mess. He didn't even want to think of what his face looked like. He yanked his shirt off over his head, and chucked it in the laundry room. But before he left, he noticed something peculiar on his chest. A faint itch that spread across his skin. When he rubbed his chest, it felt almost gritty to the touch. Had the glitter managed to seep through his shirt? That didn't make sense. He ignored the feeling for now, heading back upstairs to have a good shower. He grunted as he climbed, his knees feeling peculiarly sore. He tried to recall doing any exercise recently, but his thoughts felt hazy.

The Ideal Valentine

The night was young, and Miles was getting frisky with his girlfriend, Jackie. The two had been together for three years now, and their Valentine's Day had only begun. After a wonderful night out, there was only one thing on the lovers' minds. However, as soon as their lovemaking entered the honeymoon suite they'd booked for the night, Jackie paused a rowdy Miles as she rummaged in her underwear drawer. "I wanted to do something extra special for tonight, so I got us these." She held out two little bottles of shimmering liquid, dropping one into his open hands. "Drink this while I get into something more comfortable, and we'll have a night to remember!"

With that, Jackie slipped into the bathroom to freshen up. However, Miles had a few Valentine's plans of his own. He left the vial on Jackie's vanity table, then reached under the bed to pull out a box of treasures. He sprinkled some rose petals on the bed, lit a few scented candles, and dug out the box of premium chocolates and champagne. Then came to the pièce de résistance; a pair of tearaway briefs with a heart-print pattern that cupped his junk just so. He had this Valentine's thing in the can.

Finally, Miles got around to the small bottle his girlfriend had given him. It was a vibrant purple, with a peculiar sparkle. He noticed that the vial had a sticker on the front, a circle sitting atop a cross. He cocked his head, it was the universal symbol for women, and femininity. Why did Jackie want him to drink this? Then again, she was somewhat into witchcraft in a cutesy, fashion way. It was probably some sort of aphrodisiac she'd found online, made to spice the evening up a little. A way to find his inner women, and better understand how to pleasure her, perhaps. He uncorked the vial, and sniffed the contents. Sweet notes, with a floral undertone. Well, bottoms up.

"AAAHHHHH!!"