The Romans, and the Greeks

It wasn’t that the trip to the art museum was entirely boring. There was some really cool stuff in here, Roman and Max agreed. They were super into the room that had the sculptures that looked like balloon animals. The issue was that seeing all the interesting stuff took roughly fifteen minutes, which left them five hours to kill.

“Five…hours…” Roman grumbled dramatically, dragging his feet behind him like he was on invisible crutches. “I’m not gonna make it, man. Tell…tell Livi…I always thought she was hot as hell.”

“Man, I would, but I’m definitely gonna die of boredom too,” Max replied. “At least there’s food right?”

“I guess. Mmm yum, museum food,” Roman snorted. He pushed the mushroom fringe of his bangs out to the side even though he was fully aware it would flop right back over his eyes, which it did. “When do we have to meet the group? Like 40, 45 minutes from now?”

“Yeah, for the tour.”

“I can’t believe they’re letting us run wild here. Someone’s gonna break something.”

Max looked witheringly at Roman, who was grinning from ear to ear. “You mean YOU’RE going to try to break something.”

“I never try, it’s not my fault that I’m clumsy.” It was a running joke at school that Roman’s hands and feet didn’t match the rest of his body, at least not yet. He and Max were the same average height, yet Roman’s feet were four sizes bigger, and he tripped over them constantly.

Roman and Max were best buddies. Equals. Instead of a leader/follower dynamic, they were competitors; willful young men who didn’t take anything seriously except for their own opinions. They’d been friends since middle school, after a knockdown, dragout fight over a loose basketball, quite counterproductive since they were on the same team. But they both thought it was hilarious, and after that, they were almost always together, picking the same classes and ensuring they had the same lunchtime.

Their first jaunt was through a textiles exhibition, which they thought might be cool because it could be about texting, like some kind of digital art. It turned out textiles were fabrics, which was intensely uninteresting. “It’s…rugs,” Roman deadpanned, looking around the room. “Rugs and blankets. Dope.”

“Dude, you know who’d like this stuff? My mom,” Max said, which was the most damning assessment possible, and made them both laugh until a massive security guard glared at them. That was their cue to go, and as they headed out of the exhibition, Max’s phone vibrated. “Miller says he’s hiding out in some movie room. I think I’ll pass.”

“Nah, if I watch something I will definitely fall asleep, and then you’d both leave me there and I’d wake up seven hours later, and the museum would be closed, and I’d never be able to leave and that would be my life.”

“That makes complete sense, you’re exactly right,” Max said. “Hey look, Greek stuff.”

“I prefer Roman stuff.”

“God, shut UP,” Max groaned, giving Roman a shove that roused a “Hey!” from another huge guard nearby.

“Ah man, we gotta go in here,” Roman said, pointing to an exhibit entrance framed by multicolor stripes painted elegantly on the walls. “Rainbow Rebellion: Queer Coding Throughout the Ages,” he read out loud before turning serious. “I think this will be really good for you, to see the art of your people.”

“You’re the one everyone says is gay,” Max shot back.

“Literally no one says that, perv.” Roman was walking in. Max held back and then rolled his eyes and caught up, looking over his shoulder to make sure no classmates were around. The exhibition wasn’t big, only two rooms, and it was a departure from the others in that it had all styles of art. There was a painting from the 1800s of two young men on a beach, sitting side by side; nearby was a photograph of two muscle guys in leather and chains. Both Roman and Max ignored it, too embarrassed to commentate.

“This is, uh, really gay, man,” Max whispered with an evil smile on his face. “I just want you to know, if you have something to tell me, I’m your friend…”

Roman knew where he was going and cut him off. “Only one of us got a boner in the locker room after swimming, and it wasn’t me,” he sang, flouncing off in an exaggerated caricature of a walk before Max could punch him in the arm. 

They ended up by a large Grecian urn that didn’t seem gay at all. It depicted a side profile from the shoulders up of a bearded man embracing a feminine counterpart. That is, until Max and Roman looked at the other side of the urn and saw the same two figures in full, now plainly obvious that they were two extremely muscular men. It looked almost like they were wrestling at first glance. One man was sitting on top of the other, and that’s when they realized…they were fucking. The man on the ground had his dick in the man on top’s ass. Each man flexed a bulging arm, which formed the handles of the jar.

“Aw, GROSS,” Max tittered, as both boys cramped with laughter. “That’s…is that how they do it? Damn, dude. What the…groooossss.”

Roman’s entire face was curled up in laughter. “I can’t believe they’re just leaving this out here for people to see. This is education! Where’s one with girls touching each other, I’ll be all about that.”

“Dare you to touch it,” Max said evilly, pointing to one of the handles. “No guards around. Touch that guy’s big freaky gross bodybuilder arm.”

“No way! I’m not getting near that homo urn. These things have invisible guards and shit! What if the alarm goes off?”

“Then we bolt. Besides, if they didn’t want you to touch it, they’d have it under glass,” Max reasoned. Roman frowned. Max had a point. It was lousy but valid. He hesitated for a moment, then stretched out his index finger like ET, and gently poked the urn in the least homoerotic area he could muster. Max scoffed at his feeble attempt. “That doesn’t count!”

“Of course it does, I touched it.”

“Yeah, barely.”

“Well it’s more than you did!”

“You have to hold it. Caress that freaky bicep like the repressed homosexual you are.”

“Well maybe YOU should do it. I dare you!”

They looked at each other. “Fine. We’ll do it at the same time,” Max said, eyes darting around.

“Fine,” Roman grunted. They stood on opposite sides of the urn, raised their palms, and nodded at each other. Then, their hands darted forward and each of them grasped one of the handles. They locked eyes for a brief moment, daring the other to let go first. Eventually, the approaching squeak of rubber soles on marble flooring forced them to abandon the urn. Max and Roman scurried away laughing like the schoolboys they were.

More Captions!

Here are a few more captions for you guys to whet your appetites while I work on something a bit more substantial. Enjoy them!

(Age Swap, Young Adult < > Middle Age)

This app I downloaded is incredible! I was bored, as usual, and was looking for things to do when I came across it, the Life Changer. It looked like a Sims knock-off but I had nothing better to do. It asked a few questions, I took a selfie, and soon enough, there was this cartoonish avatar of myself on the screen. But there were options to change my avatar in so many ways, it was disorienting. I decided to try one thing, the life swap button. When I pressed it, it came up with options for everyone in a mile radius to me. My family, my neighbours, my friends. I didn't know so many people downloaded this app, but I didn't want any of them to be my avatar. 

I finally came across an unfamiliar face who wasn't butt-ugly. Jackson Reed, a buff looking man who lived outside of town, a personal fitness coach, and was currently in the park. He sounded perfect. I tapped the accept button and expected my avatar to change into that person. But what actually happened was surprising and so much better. I suddenly shot up in the air, gaining inches in seconds. My flabby body slimmed down in an instant, followed by a rapid bulking up of every muscle in my body. New hairs swirled across my chest and down my rock hard abs. In the mirror, I saw my face get more angular and my patchy stubble increased in density until I had a proper beard. Then wrinkles and grey hairs appeared.

As things came to an end, I leant against the doorway panting. I was huge! And so hairy... I had to take a picture to prove to myself it was real! I snatched the cap off my head, gasping at the sight of my bald head, then covered my crotch with it. There! I took the pics and chucked the hat to the side. My cock was so big and veiny now. I brushed a hand over my buff, hairy body with a smile. I stroked my scalp, shuddering at the feeling of my bald head. That would take some getting used to. Because there was no way I was swapping back! In fact, I quickly uninstalled the app before I could swap back. I feel a little bad for Jackson though, ending up with my previously unimpressive body. He's probably confused as heck, swimming in his baggy clothes as he tries to convince people he was a big muscleman only minutes earlier... Whelp, I can't help him now! He'll come to appreciate being a college drop-out eventually. Possibly. Meanwhile, I'm going to give my new mature body a night on the town!

The Wonder Realms

“Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for joining us for tonight’s performance of Wizard’s Fury. We hope your visit to the Wonder Realms Resort has been a truly enchanting experience. Until we see you again, have a safe journey home. Thank you, and goodnight!”

The closing announcement was hardly audible over the cries and chatter of the crowd. The smell of smoke and sulphur from the nightly fireworks display lingered in the air alongside the wafts of buttered popcorn and sweat. A wave of thousands slowly bobbed towards the exit. Another day of fun and excitement had concluded as the Wonder Realms closed its gates for another night. The family friendly theme park had been around for years, offering thrills and spills in the Florida sunshine for 50 strong years. It was celebrating its anniversary with a year-long event called the Festival of Smiles where they planned to giveaway fifty thousand prizes to random guests ranging from plush toys up to lifetime park tickets for the whole family.

Hence why Alton had dragged his own family to the Leisure Arcade, a sheltered walkway behind the series of interconnected shops along Market Street, the cobblestoned European-style street that acted as the entrance and exit to the theme park. His family had made an annual visit to the Wonder Realms since he was in first grade. It was his favorite place in the world, almost like a second home. He knew the ins and outs of the massive theme park, and could navigate its entirety with his eyes shut. Even now, his decision to head into the arcade was intentional to avoid the throngs of people who immediately leave the park. But he was on a mission. It was his final day in the Wonder Realms and he wasn’t ready to leave. Not while the Festival of Smiles was ongoing.

As Alton tried to drag his family into the Venezia Emporio store, his dad instead tried to guide him away from the display of seasonal merchandise. “We have to get going, bud. Those suitcases aren’t going to pack themselves.”

But Alton stayed put. “I still haven’t found the perfect farewell souvenir!”

“But Ali, I’m tired!” His little sister Suzie whined. She was starting her first year of school soon, but she still acted like a toddler. She tugged on her mom’s dress and moaned, “I wanna go!”

Looking at his parents desperately, Alton played the guilt-trip card. “Come on, dad. You said it yourself, who knows when we’ll be back.”

Not wanting a meltdown in the final hours of their vacation, Alton’s mom stood by Alton’s side and sighed. “You take Suzie back to the hotel and get a head start on the packing. We’ll get one of the hotel buses back.”

Alton’s dad rolled his eyes, but he didn’t push any further. “OK. But don’t take too long, bud. We have an early start tomorrow, and you know how cranky you get when you haven’t had enough sleep.”

Alton pouted. It wasn’t his fault he was a night owl. He could stay up ‘til morning if he really wanted.

His dad held out a hand to Suzie to hold. “You ready to go, princess?” Suzie held her hands up high instead, and he laughed. “OK, OK”. He lifted her up into his arms and wheezed. He shared a look of “she’s getting too big for this!” with his wife before waving the two of them farewell.

Alton dashed through the storefront and grinned from ear to ear. It was a treasure trove of Wonder Realms memorabilia. Collectibles, figurines, stuffed toys, tacky shirts, quirky kitchenware, the place had it all. While Alton did want a final souvenir, he had mainly entered the large store to increase his chances of receiving a Moment to Smile. He’d been trying to get the attention of anyone who looked likely to hand one out for the entirety of his trip, but no dice. If he hung around long enough, maybe his luck would change. Besides, he always relished a chance to spend more time in the theme park.

Alton picked up a particularly awesome limited edition Funko figurine of Gary Gator and Cecil Croc, the park mascots, riding on Fire Mountain. It would look so cool on the Wonder Realms shelf in his bedroom. But one look at the price tag, and he cringed. “Hey, mom…” he began to ask.

She quickly shut him down. “You’ve already spent enough this trip as it is! Whatever final day souvenir you want has to come out of your own money.”

Alton opened up his wallet and sulked. He had a few dollar bills, and a ton of change. Just about enough to get a collectable pin. He put back the limited edition collectable and sauntered over to the pins. He spun the rack around, looking for something “final day” worthy.

As time drew on, Alton’s mom stepped outside to wait for him instead of getting in the way as he gawked at pins. He had narrowed his decision down to a pin with Gary Gator outside the new Planetary Showdown coaster, or the special 50th anniversary pin with the theme park’s icon, the imposing Merlin’s Tower that sat in the center of the park. Truthfully, he was only biding his time and stretching things out before he had to leave for good. Maybe his indecision would attract the attention of one of the frighteningly cheerful park employees, colloquially known as realm artisans. He ummed and ahhed loudly until he heard a chipper voice to his side. “Excuse me sir, do you need any help?”

Alton jumped at his sudden appearance, and looked up. He stammered “Uhm, no. Yes. Maybe. If you don’t mind. Just, uh, deciding on pins.”

He couldn’t help but feel intimidated by the man. He was fantastically buff, more than double the size of Alton himself. His uniform was taut across his athletic frame, the sleeves looked ready to burst. He’d never seen a man so packed with muscle in his life, not up close anyway. He’d seen statues in museums, and he’d seen wrestlers on TV but they paled in comparison to the real deal. Yet despite his overtly masculine body, The man had soft, inoffensive features framed by short, golden curls. There was an ethereally ageless beauty that made him look both young and old at once. Like every realm artisan, there was a smile permanently fixed to his face. However, he radiated authentic charm unlike a majority of the employees who faked their cheerful façade. Alton glanced at his name tag: Magnus, no last name.

The man placed a hand on his hip and the other against the wall, leaning forwards. “Last day huh?”

Alton slumped his shoulders in self-pity. “How could you tell?”

“I see this ploy often. Nobody likes to leave the most amazing place on the planet. But you seem more stubborn than the others…” There was a lilt to his voice, a slight Irish accent. He crouched down to one knee and rested his elbow on his bent knee, his chin on his fist. His flexed arm could have been thicker than Alton’s head. “Why don’t you tell me what’s wrong. Maybe I can provide some assistance.”

Alton sighed. Normally he wouldn’t tell a complete stranger his woes, especially one so frighteningly swole, but the man had a compelling charm that made it difficult not to spill his guts. “Well my dad got a new job recently, in Canada… We all have to move with him, and that means a lot of changes. A new home, a new school. But the worst change is no more Wonder Realms… Do you know how much a flight from Ottawa to Florida costs? More than the amount gas costs to drive here from Georgia. And that’s one ticket! My dad said we can’t afford to come back again for a while. So this is my last visit to the Wonder Realms for the near future…” He pouted and looked to the ground. He was normally sad when leaving the park for another year, but he always had that glimmer of hope knowing they’d be back the following year. This time, however, that glimmer had been extinguished.

Magnus clutched his chest and tutted. “There’s no frowning in the Wonder Realms,” he claimed, making Alton crack a smile. He stood back up with a swing of his mighty arms. "That sounds like a rough time for you, buddy. I’d love to help, but I can’t exactly magic up a relocation for you.”

Alton sighed. “If only… then I could spend all my time at the Realms instead of a few days a year.”

The man’s expression changed slightly. He still smiled, but it seemed more cunning. Almost mischievous. “You’d really like that huh? To grow up with the Wonder Realms?”

“More than anything!” Alton cried. But that was impossible. If only his dad had gotten a job in Orlando instead of Ottawa. Then he could practically live in the park. Maybe even become a realm artisan himself when he was older.

Magnus stroked his chin with a smirk. “Tell you what, I’ll give you a discount on both of those pins, plus I’ll throw in a little something to help with your troubles.“

When Magnus turned his back to guide him to the nearest cash register, Alton pumped his fist in the air and silently cheered. This was it, his Moment To Smile! His mind raced at the possibilities. A VIP tour of areas not usually accessible to guests. A week in the luxurious Wonder Realms Hotel & Spa. It could even be a lifetime pass! Then they’d have to come back to the Wonder Realms next year! They really did go above and beyond in this place. Just another reason Alton was a Realmhead. The online theme park fan community he was a part of referred to themselves as such. He didn’t have much of a social circle outside of the internet. While plenty of teens liked and visited the Wonder Realms, his obsession with the park didn’t go down well among his peers. Maybe folks were more open-minded in Ottawa…

With the added discount, the pins came to exactly the amount of change Alton had left, tax and all. As he emptied his faux leather wallet onto the counter, Magnus reached underneath it and produced a tiny box. He placed it alongside his purchase. “I hope this brings you a smile,” he began. “And I hope I see you again real soon,” he added with a sly wink.

Alton picked up the box and raised an eyebrow. It certainly wasn’t a lifetime pass, that’s for sure. Maybe it was another pin? He opened it up and pulled out an oval shaped name tag, the very same the realm artisans used! However, it had someone else’s name on it. There must have been a mix-up somewhere. Alton looked up to ask the man but he’d vanished. He didn’t understand how such a large man could get lost within the crowd of people still mingling inside the shop, yet he was nowhere to be seen. He flipped the name tag over in his hands and winced. "Ow!” He’d pricked his thumb on the safety pin on its backside. He frowned and dropped the box into his backpack, a gift was a gift after all.

Replacement Dad

The air was brimming with tension. Adam glanced nervously at the man sat in the armchair, a freshly brewed cup of coffee in his hands. He was a lean, scruffy man in his late forties wearing a plaid dressing gown that he'd retrieved for him after their unfortunate first meeting. They hadn't spoke for several minutes now. Adam was starting to sweat from anxiety, waiting for the stoic man to yell at him in anger. He took a long sip of coffee, then finally he looked Adam in the eye. Instead of anger, he spoke calmly with a bit of grit in his voice. "So tell me again what happened exactly."

Adam took a deep breath, and replied "I made a wish last night, and then it came true."

"And that wish was...?"

"For my best friend to be my real dad..."

"And that's why I'm now a 48 year old, widowed father of one? A botched wish?"

Adam was on the verge of tears. He said "I only meant it jokingly because you're so kind to me, and my real dad is so evil... I didn't know it would actually come true! I'm sorry, I didn't mean it!"

Captions

I've been having a bit of writer's block recently, so I thought instead of doing longer stories, I'd make some shorter captioned stories instead. I used a randomiser to pick out some pictures I have saved to see what I could come up with.

(Age Progression, Teen > Middle Age)

So let me go over the plan one last time. You want me to act as your dad so I can convince the school to let you join the drama club trip to New York despite the fact you're not a member? I dunno man, it's pretty convoluted. Wouldn't it be easier to join the club? We could always use another stagehand. It's just... This is different from playing a role, the costume has literally made me a father figure. Besides, what if they know what your dad looks like? We barely resembled each other before I grew up, and I definitely don't look like him now. No offence but I have more hair than him, I'm in much better shape, and I'm far more handsome too... Damn, I grew up to be awesome... Yeah yeah, I know! It's only "temporary", but can't I take a few minutes to check out the goods before I have to... Sigh, fine! But after I've nailed my greatest role by convincing the school board it would be discriminatory to not let you go on the trip, I'm taking advantage of this opportunity. We did split the costume fee after all, and I'm going to get my money's worth. I wonder if I can get into a bar without ID...

Santa Hat 12

All was busy at Matty's house as their family Christmas gathering was underway. Relatives of all ages were spread throughout the house waiting for the signal they could all exchange gifts; when Uncle Jim came down the stairs decked out like Santa. Little Matty was especially excited, he looked forward to the theatrics every winter. But this year, he had a special goal in mind. He sat waiting at the foot of the stairs for his uncle to come by and popped the question. "Uncle Jim, do you think that this year, I could wear the Santa suit? Pretty please?"

Jim stroked his large beard in thought. "I don't know... It takes a big man to fill those boots. Heck, I barely fit into the suit. Though that's because I've gotten a little too big over the years..." He slapped his big belly for emphasis.

With a frown, Matty whined "Come on, I wanna be Santa this year!"

"Hold on...". Jim grabbed the Santa hat off his bald head and placed it on his nephew's. It slipped down past his ears and covered half his face. Jim chuckled, his belly shaking, and said "Sorry buddy, looks like you have some growing to do before you get to wear the suit! Maybe next year."

Matty pulled the hat back to sit on his head and flared his nostrils in annoyance. Jim squeezed upstairs to get prepared for his act, leaving Matty alone in a huff. Not big enough... His uncle was such a large man, he'd never achieve such a size in time. If only there was a way to get big quickly... Alas, nothing came to mind. Still fuming, Matty muttered under his breath "I wish I was big enough to wear that suit..."

Vignettes: Black Friday

For the first time ever, the Magic Curiosities Emporium is having its very own Black Friday sale, and it's all thanks to me. It's been a few years since Master Mitawi offered me the opportunity to work under him as his apprentice. Well, more like forced me after aging me thirty-something years and refusing to turn me back into a teenager, but that's water under the bridge! I've grown to enjoy my line of work, and I've improved in my own magical skills. In fact, it was me who suggested we join the other shops in Black Friday. Mitawi was unconvinced, until I explained how we could deliver magic while reducing waste. We have so much junk in storage, stuff we couldn't even give away because it doesn't work right, or needs to be disposed of properly, or could be "dangerous" if you sold it and how could you even suggest giving a child one of... Ahem... So, we're having a little clearance sale while it's the right time for it.

The bulk of our clearance comes from expired potions. Yup, even potions have use-by dates and when they're no longer viable for consumption, we have a very delicate and complicated process of neutralising the effects before dumping them. Because the potions are still magic, and will still do what's intended. It's just that they come bundled with unwanted side effects. Or maybe it's a welcome side effect, It depends on who you ask. We do also have the occasional non-potion item on sale as well. Products we can't sell due to them being packaged wrong, or they don't work quite as intended. Normally they'd be locked away until their magical properties wear off. Now we're selling them at highly discounted prices! We've made quite a few sales today, which made my master happy, and of course, the ensuing chaos we created was a fun bonus.

A Furry Situation

I awoke first with a stir, followed by a jolt. I sat up and rubbed my head with a groan. It felt like i'd been whacked over the head with a shovel. Where was I anyway? I looked around to find that I was laying naked on top of my bed covers, my room was in its usual state of disarray as if a tornado had passed through. Something wasn't right though, what was I doing in my bedroom? I'd never dream of staying inside my cabin on my wild nights out. I'm usually out in the forest, deep in the wilderness. I imagine whatever made me come inside must be the cause of this splitting headache. It was difficult to recall what had happened last night. Let's see...

Luck of the Irish

Aiden cursed as he dug deep into his wardrobe to find something to wear. Why did he not own anything green? Every year he has this problem, and every year he forgets to solve it! He blasted through his clothes looking for something, anything, that had even the faintest hint of green on it. But there was nothing, not even a lousy sock. He slapped a hand to his face in frustration, he was going to get harassed by everyone in his class. Unless...

Ignored