New Year, Same Me?

PART ONE

A warm sunbeam peeped through the partially closed curtains, causing Derryl to wake up and rub the sleep from his eyes. He sat up and looked around. He wasn't in his bedroom, it was the almost unfamiliar guest room of an increasingly familiar man who'd invited his family to spend New Years with him... He smiled slightly. Finally, it was New Year's Day. Which could only mean...

He jumped out of bed and ran towards an antique mirror in the corner of the room, only to halt mid-step with a confused "Wah...?" He stood face to face with a young teenager with floppy hair and acne-ridden skin. The same young teenager he'd been seeing for the last year in every single reflective surface. "But, but... We were supposed to... It was meant to... It's the new year!" He blustered before stomping his foot with a frustrated growl.

Derryl sulked out of his room and through the warm cabin. There he saw a young man in the open kitchen cooking some scrambled eggs, coffee in hand. He was needlessly shirtless, as if he were showing off his toned muscles. "Hey there, sport," he grinned as he set the eggs aside. "Happy New Year! We missed you at midnight. You just couldn't stay up an extra hour, could you?"

"Don't you 'Happy New Year' me, Asher!" Deryll replied in disgust. "Why haven't we swapped back? It's a new year! Those old resolutions should be null and void, and I should be your father again!"

"Well if you'd stayed up last night, you'd know I had this exact conversation with-"

"I don't care about your boyfriend! I only care about reclaiming what was once mine!"

"Okay, cool your temper and let me plate up some breakfast. Then we can discuss things a little further. We're mere hours into the new year, don't spoil it with those rancid vibes."

Deryll scraped a chair out from under the table and slumped into it with a scowl. "Stupid site, stupid magic, stupid life..." he grumbled under his breath as Asher prepared some bacon and eggs for him. "I spent weeks trying to get a response from that hackneyed group that wasn't just automated bullshit."

"Language..."

"Then when I finally got through to an actual person, they couldn't do anything but tell me to wait! All I've done for the past year is wait. Wait wait wait!"

"Well maybe if you worked on the entire reason we swapped... You know, our resolutions? Then maybe you'd feel more fulfilled with the way things have turned out."

Vignettes - I'm Back

Yes, I'm back. I've had a major case of writer's block. So to shake it off, I've written a few shorter stories. I can't say it's majorly helped, but I'd like to think (and hope!) that you'll hear from me again much sooner than this last gap!

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No More!

PART ONE

It was the sunniest day of the summer. Folks were out and about enjoying the beaches and parks while they still could, because fall was just around the corner. School was due to start in a couple weeks, and kids of all ages wanted to squeeze every last piece of enjoyment out of it. Nobody wanted to sit inside playing video games at a time like this!

Well, nobody except for Phillip and Lee. Even now, they were cooped up in the play room, air conditioning blasting on max, music blaring from the speakers as they threw insults and banana peels at each other in a relatively friendly round of Mario Kart, the electricity bill creeping ever higher.

Well, I was having none of that. It may be just another day of summer vacation, a summer that was rapidly drawing to a close, but they shouldn't be wasting it on a stale racing game. Not on my watch.

I'd just stepped back into the house after a pleasant snooze in the warm sun, when I came across the sad mess. I walked into the play room, causing Phillip to scramble for the pause button, and I stepped dead center in front of the TV, resting against the shelving beneath it. "I don't get you boys," I said cheerfully. "It's a beautiful day outside, and you're cooped up inside playing your video games. You don't have long until you have to go back to school. You should be making the most of it!"

I wasn't expecting an outburst of eager cries declaring me the wisest person alive or anything, but I at least expected an answer. I'm afraid my words of encouragement fell on deaf ears. Phillip gaped at me, while Lee did his best not to look in my direction. Although I could tell he was covertly peeking at me through his fingers. Finally, Phillip groaned. "Oh my god, dad! Put some clothes on!"

I chuckled and scratched at the hairs across my pecs. I was only wearing a pair of gym shorts after all. "I've been outside, enjoying that glorious sun I just told you about. You've heard of the sun, right? Big ball of fire that provides warmth and life to the planet? When was the last time you saw that, huh?"

Daaaaaad!" Phillip moaned, which only made me grin harder. I did enjoy making him suffer from embarrassment from time to time. It made up for all the times he embarrassed me in similar situations. Lord knew the amount of times he'd walk around the house in his underwear when I had company round. "Just get out of the way, I'm so close to winning!"

"Not if my blue shell has anything to say about it," Lee chuckled, still trying to avoid looking in my general direction.

I stood up, stretching out my limbs with an exaggerated sigh. "Well, why don't I join you boys? I could play as the little dinosaur guy. What's he called again, Yogi?"

"Daaaad!" Phillip almost screamed. He knew I was joshing, and I knew that only made him more annoyed. I tried not to let myself grin too wide. Revenge is sweet after all. Phillip dropped his controller, stood up, and grabbed me by the arm, dragging me out of the room. "Why are you doing this? You know I had Lee over, there's no reason to parade your body and act out like this!".

"Hey, I'm just following your lead. At least I have shorts on. Remember the time Benny was here and you accidentally mooned him?"

"I'd rather forget... And that's different, I didn't know any better. You should know that no kid wants to see their friend's dad half naked" Phillip pinched the bridge of his nose, and grunted. "Look, we want to finish the tournament before Lee's mom picks him up. At least put some damn clothes on for her sake!"

The Beach Is Magic

The secluded cove of Tānetanga Beach was looking a bit more lively nowadays. The once under-the-radar spot had gained a new wave of admirers recently, thanks to the wonders of social media. Its unspoiled sands, and mysterious workings were drawing in people from all over, and singing its praises. Which is why Jordan just had to drag his best bud Lamar away from their tour group while they were in the area.

"Even if they notice we're missing, they're not going to wait for us, you know," Lamar moaned as they pushed through the overgrown foliage that lined the wanderer's path to the cove. "They're gonna leave us stranded at this dumb beach with no way back to the hotel. My mom's gonna kill me if we're not on that bus..."

"We have a whole hour before we have to worry about that, "Jordan reasoned, trying to sound reassuring. "Trust me, It's going to be worth the detour."

"Right, because TikTok says the beach is magic," Lamar grumbled. "How do you know they're not fakes? Do you ever see anyone changing?"

"Well, no... But why would they make it up? And practically every single account that talks about it gets deleted! You should really check out r/Tānetanga, you'll-"

"Nuh-uh! I ain't checking out no Reddit about some conspiracy theory!" Lamar complained, trying to stand his ground, but Jordan didn't wait. With a roll of his eyes, he bounded after his friend as the beach came into full view. There are several men spread out around the cove, taking in the sun, wading in the waves. "Woah, those guys are naked," Lamar noticed, turning to avert his eyes from the sight. "This is some nudie beach! No wonder those TikToks are being deleted. We should definitely not be here..."

"Relax, it's all part of the magic! You'll see." Jordan dumped his bag on the sand, and stripped down to a pair of speedos that could have been mistaken for tighty whities. "You said you wanted adventure. It's better than some stuffy architecture tour, right?"

Lamar stared dumbfounded at his friend, not even dignifying that with a response. Jordan merely shrugged and bounded towards the ocean, leaving him alone. He looked around, noticing a few men looking in his direction, expectantly. He felt a shiver up his spine. Realising how much he didn't want to be left alone, he threw his shirt aside and begrudgingly followed his friend up to the ocean. His feet tingled underneath the warm sand in a not entirely pleasant way. That tingling only increased as they waded into the ice-cold, blue waters. He gave Jordan a pat on the shoulder, then asked, "Okay. So what happens now?"

Tānetanga Beach

Louie grumbled to himself as he forked several banknotes over to the scruffy cashier in front of him. Sunscreen, bottled drinks, snacks, beach towels, even a tacky inflatable toy. His son had somehow forgotten to pack everything required for their visit to the beach. Then instead of staying with him, Sean decided to run off and find a spot on the beach while he paid for the lot. 

When he booked a getaway to New Zealand, Louie specifically chose a quiet looking town within the Bay of Plenty, wanting to stay away from the hustle and bustle of the bigger, more populated cities. However, it seemed the entire country had the same idea, as the summer vacation crowds became apparent. It was Sean's desire to visit Ōhope beach in particular. There had to be countless, beautiful coastal areas further afield. Yet here they were, mere yards from their hotel, in what appeared to be a locals hotspot.

As Louie left the gift shop, he swept his head left and right in search of his son. But it was no use, there were too many people. Thankfully, he'd stuck Sean's phone on a location tracking app, just for emergencies. He opened it up, and frowned. That couldn't be right. According to the little dot, Sean was on the other side of the forested headland west of the beach. Sure enough, as Louie approached the hill, there was a wooden pathway up and into the forest above. He climbed the stairs with a grumble. Why was Sean sending him on a wild goose chase? 

Following the directions on his phone, Louie came to an abrupt halt. The manmade path continued to the left, but a wilder, natural path led straight ahead. The only sign of civilisation were several signs stuck in the ground, and hammered to trees. They were grimy and faded, but the message was clear; don't pass this point. He looked at his app, and cringed. Sean was on the other side of those signs!

License To Drink

"Come oooon, dad! Just one drink?"

"Absolutely not!"

"But it's Christmas!"

"Not for another 3 weeks, it's not. Not like that would make a difference..."

Max sulked as his dad walked off to greet another couple who had just knocked at the door. He was almost 16, he was practically an adult. It's not like he'd never tried beer before, so why did it matter if he had a little drink? It was a party! It wasn't even a cool party, just a gathering of some people his parents knew. None of his friends were allowed to come. At least alcohol would make things interesting...

Max knocked the white bobble on his Santa hat out of his face, and grumbled to himself. "I wish I could drink alcohol without getting into trouble..."

He slunk into the kitchen, preparing to grab a plate of finger food before retreating to his bedroom for the evening, when he stumbled into his uncle Jack, who had a sly grin on his face. "I overheard your little tiff with your pa."

"Yeah, so?" Max griped. He didn't want to talk to anyone else. Jack tapped his nose, then suddenly produced a bottle of beer from behind his back. Max's eyes lit up, as he snatched it from his uncle's hands. "O-M-G, you wouldn't!"

Jack shrugged his shoulders. "It's a teen's nature to rebel, and who am I to deny nature?" He reasoned as he took the bottle back, pouring the amber contents into a plastic red cup. "Don't worry, I'll keep your ol' pa occupied."

Max was bubbling with excitement as he took the cup from his uncle. "Thank you! You're the coolest!" Jack merely put a finger to his lips, then strutted into the main party room, straight up to his younger brother. Max ducked further into the kitchen, and took a moment to appreciate his alcoholic gift before taking a gulp from the cup. It burned the back of his throat, and sent a shiver down his spine. He'd forgotten how bitter beer could taste. He didn't like it much the first time, and it still left an unpleasant taste in his mouth. But he couldn't pass up his uncle's offering. He braced himself, then gulped down the whole cup in one go.

A Tough Decision

THE DECADES CIGAR

Ethan was lounging outside, enjoying the warm morning sun, when he heard the patio door open. He opened his eyes, and turned to see Bruno stomp out with a mug of coffee, and proceed to collapse into one of the outdoor sofas with a long sigh.

"Phew! I'm so glad it's the weekend," Bruno mumbled after taking a sip of coffee. "Who knew that having a job could be so tiring."

"You're the top executive in your company, how can you be tired?" Ethan questioned accusingly. "All you do is sit at a desk, and hold meetings. Nothing like me..."

"Hey! I also do other stuff!" Bruno growled, rubbing at the back of his neck, working out a kink. "It's just tougher at my age. Being in your fifties can be such a drag... Not that I'm complaining!"

"Well, you did make that decision yourself, you know."

"Yeah, yeah..." Bruno smiled wistfully. "But I could still do with an extra day to relax." Suddenly, he snapped his fingers, his leathery face stretched into a grin. "Hang on, I'm basically the boss! From now on, we're going to have a four day week. It's the future, you know."

"I don't think that's how-"

"And there's only one way to celebrate such a momentous decision." He grinned as he leapt to his feet, and reached for a humidor hidden inside of an outdoor cabinet. Inside were a selection of fine cigars.

He took one from the top, then turned to Ethan and held the box out to him. "Don't think I forgot about you."

"I don't know if I should, it's not even noon..."

"C'mon, just one little cigar. I know you want to."

Hijacked

Charlie's fingers danced across the aged leather pouch, eager to empty it of its goods. He grinned as metal clattered against the surface of his desk, admiring the emerald studded ring that fell from within. He'd had his eye on it for a while. It was calling out to him, begging him to buy it. He checked that antique store almost daily, hoping someone else wouldn't snatch it up before he had the chance. Then finally, he'd saved enough money, and here it was, in his possession. He lifted it up in his hands, admiring the simple design.

"Finally! It's been years!"

He gasped, and spun around. "Hello?" Charlie called out to his empty house. "Dad? Are you home?"

"I ain't your dad, kid!"

There it was again! A deep voice that was so clear in his head, it was as if they were in the room with him. Yet there was nobody about. "Who are you?" He called out. "Where are you!?"

"Cool it, kid. I'm right here in your hands."

He looked at the ring in his palm. "Wait... My ring can talk?"

"Not talk, per say," the voice explained. "More like mental communication via physical contact. I'm in your mind, kid."

"Oh... Well I'd prefer it if you weren't, Mystery Voice."

As Charlie proceeded to place the ring back on the table, the voice called out. "Woah, woah, woah!" It screeched, bringing him to a sudden halt. "Ain't you curious as to why I'm communicating with you?"

He was. But Charlie also knew that nothing good could ever come from cursed jewellery. Yet he couldn't unclench his fist. He sighed. "Okay, I'll bite."

Not Always Greener

I pulled up outside my old house and sighed. I can't believe it's really been a month. I thought it was going to be a breeze. Hell, I even thought I'd conveniently misplace the brooch, and never go back. But modern teen life definitely wasn't how I imagined it would be. I'm almost glad to be going back to living my old life, even if it wasn't exciting. It was a mistake to consider playing out my fantasy. At least I know Brent is going to be pleased to get back to his own life too...

I knocked on the front door, and was a little dismayed when Frank opened the door. It was strange to see him after a full month. It was crazy how much I missed his beautiful face, his warm touch... "Oh, Gerald," he said with a smile. "What a surprise! I wish you'd called ahead, I was just about to head out."

I was surprised. Didn't Brent let him know I was coming? We did mark today's date down in our phones, just in case we forgot. I smiled and nodded, saying, "Don't worry, I just came by to see my uncle. We have things to discuss."

"He's outside in his usual spot," Frank replied, patting me on the shoulder as he left. I shuddered at his touch, I couldn't wait for things to get back to normal. He turned on his heel, then added, "If you stick around for dinner, I'm making my famous meatloaf."

I waved him goodbye, knowing I would definitely be around for dinner. His meatloaf really was the best. I couldn't wait to sit at the dinner table with him, gossiping about the neighbors, and complaining about work. It's the little things you miss... 

The Decades Cigar

Ethan had rushed to his best friend's house after Bruno texted him about an epic surprise that'd help solve their vaping issues. It was getting harder and harder to keep their habit under wraps from their parents. Until now, the only appropriate option was to quit. But if Bruno had found something, it was probably big.

As the door opened, Ethan was somewhat taken aback. There was an unfamiliar man on the other side smoking a cigar. He cracked a massive smile upon seeing the portly teen at his door, deep wrinkles cutting onto his leathery face. "Hey buddy!" he cried in a rough yet familiar tone, beckoning him inside.

Following the man through the hallway, Ethan did his best to dodge the cigar smoke, which wouldn't help his case if his parents caught a whiff of it on his clothes. Through the haze, he asked, "Hi, uhm, have we met before?"

"You could say that," the gruff man replied, a sly grin flashed across his lips. "I'm Bruno's, uhh, uncle. From his dad's side. Thought I could help with your little predicament."

Bruno never mentioned having an uncle who also smoked, even if it was cigars instead of vapes. Maybe the older man knew something that would convince their parents it wasn't that big a deal. As they entered the kitchen, the man ducked behind a cabinet and poured himself a glass of whiskey, which looked close to empty. Yet, Ethan couldn't help but notice what was missing. "Uhm, sir? Where exactly is Bruno?"

Malfunctioning Clock

Things were quiet at the store this morning. That is, until an agitated man stormed through the door. I could sense his negative energy before he entered, of course. Yet the way he slammed the door open was enough to make me jump in fright. As he strode up to the counter, I was afraid he was going to throttle me! Still, I managed to keep my composure and smiled. "Good morning, how may I be of assistance today?" He said nothing. Instead, he thrust an alarm clock in my face. It looked familiar, certainly one of my own. Yet I couldn't place his face. He could be any of the bald, angry men who required my assistance. From recent memory, I'd only sold one of those clocks to a much younger man... "Oh, I remember you! You're the late bloomer, that's right..." I gazed at him and frowned. "Oh dear, you've aged terribly..."

"You think?" He growled as he slammed the clock on the desk. "This fucking clock is broken! It won't stop fucking ringing! Every ten minutes, R-I-I-I-NG! R-I-I-I-NG!" As if on cue, the alarm clock suddenly sprang to life in his hand. He slammed his hand down on the buzzer and buried his head in his hands, releasing a short wail. "It's driving me insane!"

Pep Talk

 

Okay... You're okay... So you're suddenly big and hairy and old... But that's fine! You'll find a way to...to not be big a-and hairy and...old... Just be cool, you're just a normal guy who's washing his hands, and you're gonna... AH!

I leap back from the sink and clutch my chest, before whipping my hand away as it brushes against my chest hair... Ugh, it still sounds weird to say it. My chest hair. I have chest hair. And stomach hair. And back hair, ew... I grip the edge of the sink to stop my legs from collapsing again, and exhale a deep sigh. I need to ground myself, and recall what happened...

Again!?

I did not expect to have as long a break as I did, but I'm back! I thought I'd start off by revisiting an old favourite. You might recognise this as a caption I wrote a few years back. I thought I'd look back through my old stuff and take a shot at expanding on them. Are there anything you've read and wished it was a bit longer? Let me know and maybe I'll give it a go!

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I arrived home from a long day at school brimming with anticipation. The weekend was finally here! I had no homework to complete, and no plans. It was just me and my PS4 all weekend long. I kicked my shoes off and dumped my bag on the staircase, only to pause in suspicion. The house seemed quiet. A bit too quiet... I gripped the banister and yelled upstairs. "Hey dad! You home?"

There was a pause before I heard a response. I couldn't make out what he said, it sounded like he was busy with something. He'd promised not to get up to his usual antics this weekend so hopefully he'd gotten a head start on cleaning the house. I fist pumped and darted into the living room, jumping over the side of the sofa to land on the soft cushions below. I grabbed the TV remote, started up the PS4 and got comfy. I'd had a busy week, and I was ready to play some games. I stretched my thumbs across the controller with a goofy grin, I really missed this. I barely had the time to do anything for myself recently. I was more than ready for some me time. I scrolled through my games library, a small twinge of guilt at how many I had yet to play. A few minutes of debilitating later, I finally decided on an old favourite. 

Yet before I could start it up, my stomach growled and I felt a sharp tingle run down my spine. It was a peculiar, unpleasant feeling that I had become familiar with, much to my disappointment. It's been almost a year since the first time and it still felt weird. I cursed out loud and jumped to my feet, tossing the controller aside. Why now of all times, he'd promised me a break this weekend! Already, I felt that uncomfortable, inflating sensation. Like someone was pumping me with gas. I yanked my shirt off in one swift movement, noticing how my chest seemed to swell with every breath I took. A couple of little hairs had sprung up around my nipples and the centre of my chest. 

Next, I unbuckled my belt and shimmied my jeans down my thicker, hairier thighs. I struggled a moment to get my feet through the leg holes, eventually losing my balance and falling back onto the sofa. I sighed in frustration, I've been through this ordeal a hundred times, at least, yet I still struggled with it. It would help if my dad didn't spring it on me without prior warning. I yanked my underwear off, freeing my junk from their tight, cotton confines. I scratched at my chin as sharp stubble broke through the skin in irritating waves. 

No longer at risk of destroying my clothes, I laid back on the sofa and waited for the changes to finish, mentally cursing my dad for using that remote again. By now, I looked like a college graduate with a slim yet firm body, and a decent spread of hair across my chest. Although I never stayed that way for long, as I raced through my twenties without much fanfare. As I continued to age, I could feel my muscles ache as they bulked up, which was always a welcome feeling. I grinned as my biceps inflated, and my thighs got meatier.

As I approached my forties, my scalp felt itchy as each individual hair faded in colour, focused mostly on the sides but a wave of steel grey eventually swept throughout. My skin grew weathered and rough as a subtle thickness blanketed my buff muscles. I flinched slightly as a tattoo inked itself into existence on my shoulder, which signalled the end of my growth spurt. I leaned back against the sofa with a sigh. Aging three decades in a few minutes certainly takes a lot out of you. I may have gone through the process dozens of times by now but it never got any easier.

Halloween Costumes

Victor sat sulking in his room. Downstairs, he could hear the muffled buzz of activity as his brother prepared the house for the evening's festivities. Their parents were gone for the weekend and Lewis was going all out for Halloween and throwing a huge party, inviting practically everyone in town. Everyone but Victor. He asked to join, begged even, but Lewis was adamant that he wasn't allowed to join in the fun.

While Victor scrolled through YouTube to find a suitable unboxing video to take his mind off of the party, there was a knock at his bedroom door. Lewis entered almost immediately after, holding a flat cardboard box with a bold symbol on top for a store called Costume Plaza. "Hey, it's almost time for the party. You'd better suit up."

Victor sat up rigid. "You said I wasn't allowed to come!"

"Yeah, well I thought about what you said last night and decided that I'd take you up on your offer." He dumped the box on Victor's bed and turned to leave. "You'd better hurry, Bobby's already on his way."

Victor scrambled for the box and tore open the packaging. He cocked his head, confused. It was a black T-shirt, scruffy jeans, and a pair of sunglasses. After pulling everything out to ensure that was the costume, he found a small slip of paper. "Bouncer..." he read aloud. He recalled saying that he could man the door to the party, an obvious joke given how he was at least half the age and the size of all of the party attendees. Surely Lewis wasn't serious... Victor chuckled and mumbled aloud, "I don't know why he bothered. I have all this stuff in my wardrobe."

Still, Victor felt a weird urge to put the costume on. he felt a little embarrassed as he slipped the clothes on and they swamped him. Was this some sort of joke? Well at least the sunglasses would cover his shame, he thought as he slipped them onto his face.

The moment the lenses touched his face, he felt a jolt down his spine and found himself frozen in place. He winced in pain as his body inflated to match the costume size. He almost doubled his height while his body rapidly packed on the pounds, swelling up with thick muscle. His face itched as it squared off and prickly hairs crept across his cheeks. Finally, he felt a cool breeze as all the hair shed from his head. The moment he could move, Victor spun around and threw open his wardrobe, gasping as he looked in the mirror. He stared dumbstruck at the buff, bearded man reflected back. He felt his smooth scalp and his furry face. Then his massive muscles. 

The Romans, and the Greeks

It wasn’t that the trip to the art museum was entirely boring. There was some really cool stuff in here, Roman and Max agreed. They were super into the room that had the sculptures that looked like balloon animals. The issue was that seeing all the interesting stuff took roughly fifteen minutes, which left them five hours to kill.

“Five…hours…” Roman grumbled dramatically, dragging his feet behind him like he was on invisible crutches. “I’m not gonna make it, man. Tell…tell Livi…I always thought she was hot as hell.”

“Man, I would, but I’m definitely gonna die of boredom too,” Max replied. “At least there’s food right?”

“I guess. Mmm yum, museum food,” Roman snorted. He pushed the mushroom fringe of his bangs out to the side even though he was fully aware it would flop right back over his eyes, which it did. “When do we have to meet the group? Like 40, 45 minutes from now?”

“Yeah, for the tour.”

“I can’t believe they’re letting us run wild here. Someone’s gonna break something.”

Max looked witheringly at Roman, who was grinning from ear to ear. “You mean YOU’RE going to try to break something.”

“I never try, it’s not my fault that I’m clumsy.” It was a running joke at school that Roman’s hands and feet didn’t match the rest of his body, at least not yet. He and Max were the same average height, yet Roman’s feet were four sizes bigger, and he tripped over them constantly.

Roman and Max were best buddies. Equals. Instead of a leader/follower dynamic, they were competitors; willful young men who didn’t take anything seriously except for their own opinions. They’d been friends since middle school, after a knockdown, dragout fight over a loose basketball, quite counterproductive since they were on the same team. But they both thought it was hilarious, and after that, they were almost always together, picking the same classes and ensuring they had the same lunchtime.

Their first jaunt was through a textiles exhibition, which they thought might be cool because it could be about texting, like some kind of digital art. It turned out textiles were fabrics, which was intensely uninteresting. “It’s…rugs,” Roman deadpanned, looking around the room. “Rugs and blankets. Dope.”

“Dude, you know who’d like this stuff? My mom,” Max said, which was the most damning assessment possible, and made them both laugh until a massive security guard glared at them. That was their cue to go, and as they headed out of the exhibition, Max’s phone vibrated. “Miller says he’s hiding out in some movie room. I think I’ll pass.”

“Nah, if I watch something I will definitely fall asleep, and then you’d both leave me there and I’d wake up seven hours later, and the museum would be closed, and I’d never be able to leave and that would be my life.”

“That makes complete sense, you’re exactly right,” Max said. “Hey look, Greek stuff.”

“I prefer Roman stuff.”

“God, shut UP,” Max groaned, giving Roman a shove that roused a “Hey!” from another huge guard nearby.

“Ah man, we gotta go in here,” Roman said, pointing to an exhibit entrance framed by multicolor stripes painted elegantly on the walls. “Rainbow Rebellion: Queer Coding Throughout the Ages,” he read out loud before turning serious. “I think this will be really good for you, to see the art of your people.”

“You’re the one everyone says is gay,” Max shot back.

“Literally no one says that, perv.” Roman was walking in. Max held back and then rolled his eyes and caught up, looking over his shoulder to make sure no classmates were around. The exhibition wasn’t big, only two rooms, and it was a departure from the others in that it had all styles of art. There was a painting from the 1800s of two young men on a beach, sitting side by side; nearby was a photograph of two muscle guys in leather and chains. Both Roman and Max ignored it, too embarrassed to commentate.

“This is, uh, really gay, man,” Max whispered with an evil smile on his face. “I just want you to know, if you have something to tell me, I’m your friend…”

Roman knew where he was going and cut him off. “Only one of us got a boner in the locker room after swimming, and it wasn’t me,” he sang, flouncing off in an exaggerated caricature of a walk before Max could punch him in the arm. 

They ended up by a large Grecian urn that didn’t seem gay at all. It depicted a side profile from the shoulders up of a bearded man embracing a feminine counterpart. That is, until Max and Roman looked at the other side of the urn and saw the same two figures in full, now plainly obvious that they were two extremely muscular men. It looked almost like they were wrestling at first glance. One man was sitting on top of the other, and that’s when they realized…they were fucking. The man on the ground had his dick in the man on top’s ass. Each man flexed a bulging arm, which formed the handles of the jar.

“Aw, GROSS,” Max tittered, as both boys cramped with laughter. “That’s…is that how they do it? Damn, dude. What the…groooossss.”

Roman’s entire face was curled up in laughter. “I can’t believe they’re just leaving this out here for people to see. This is education! Where’s one with girls touching each other, I’ll be all about that.”

“Dare you to touch it,” Max said evilly, pointing to one of the handles. “No guards around. Touch that guy’s big freaky gross bodybuilder arm.”

“No way! I’m not getting near that homo urn. These things have invisible guards and shit! What if the alarm goes off?”

“Then we bolt. Besides, if they didn’t want you to touch it, they’d have it under glass,” Max reasoned. Roman frowned. Max had a point. It was lousy but valid. He hesitated for a moment, then stretched out his index finger like ET, and gently poked the urn in the least homoerotic area he could muster. Max scoffed at his feeble attempt. “That doesn’t count!”

“Of course it does, I touched it.”

“Yeah, barely.”

“Well it’s more than you did!”

“You have to hold it. Caress that freaky bicep like the repressed homosexual you are.”

“Well maybe YOU should do it. I dare you!”

They looked at each other. “Fine. We’ll do it at the same time,” Max said, eyes darting around.

“Fine,” Roman grunted. They stood on opposite sides of the urn, raised their palms, and nodded at each other. Then, their hands darted forward and each of them grasped one of the handles. They locked eyes for a brief moment, daring the other to let go first. Eventually, the approaching squeak of rubber soles on marble flooring forced them to abandon the urn. Max and Roman scurried away laughing like the schoolboys they were.

The Wonder Realms

“Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for joining us for tonight’s performance of Wizard’s Fury. We hope your visit to the Wonder Realms Resort has been a truly enchanting experience. Until we see you again, have a safe journey home. Thank you, and goodnight!”

The closing announcement was hardly audible over the cries and chatter of the crowd. The smell of smoke and sulphur from the nightly fireworks display lingered in the air alongside the wafts of buttered popcorn and sweat. A wave of thousands slowly bobbed towards the exit. Another day of fun and excitement had concluded as the Wonder Realms closed its gates for another night. The family friendly theme park had been around for years, offering thrills and spills in the Florida sunshine for 50 strong years. It was celebrating its anniversary with a year-long event called the Festival of Smiles where they planned to giveaway fifty thousand prizes to random guests ranging from plush toys up to lifetime park tickets for the whole family.

Hence why Alton had dragged his own family to the Leisure Arcade, a sheltered walkway behind the series of interconnected shops along Market Street, the cobblestoned European-style street that acted as the entrance and exit to the theme park. His family had made an annual visit to the Wonder Realms since he was in first grade. It was his favorite place in the world, almost like a second home. He knew the ins and outs of the massive theme park, and could navigate its entirety with his eyes shut. Even now, his decision to head into the arcade was intentional to avoid the throngs of people who immediately leave the park. But he was on a mission. It was his final day in the Wonder Realms and he wasn’t ready to leave. Not while the Festival of Smiles was ongoing.

As Alton tried to drag his family into the Venezia Emporio store, his dad instead tried to guide him away from the display of seasonal merchandise. “We have to get going, bud. Those suitcases aren’t going to pack themselves.”

But Alton stayed put. “I still haven’t found the perfect farewell souvenir!”

“But Ali, I’m tired!” His little sister Suzie whined. She was starting her first year of school soon, but she still acted like a toddler. She tugged on her mom’s dress and moaned, “I wanna go!”

Looking at his parents desperately, Alton played the guilt-trip card. “Come on, dad. You said it yourself, who knows when we’ll be back.”

Not wanting a meltdown in the final hours of their vacation, Alton’s mom stood by Alton’s side and sighed. “You take Suzie back to the hotel and get a head start on the packing. We’ll get one of the hotel buses back.”

Alton’s dad rolled his eyes, but he didn’t push any further. “OK. But don’t take too long, bud. We have an early start tomorrow, and you know how cranky you get when you haven’t had enough sleep.”

Alton pouted. It wasn’t his fault he was a night owl. He could stay up ‘til morning if he really wanted.

His dad held out a hand to Suzie to hold. “You ready to go, princess?” Suzie held her hands up high instead, and he laughed. “OK, OK”. He lifted her up into his arms and wheezed. He shared a look of “she’s getting too big for this!” with his wife before waving the two of them farewell.

Alton dashed through the storefront and grinned from ear to ear. It was a treasure trove of Wonder Realms memorabilia. Collectibles, figurines, stuffed toys, tacky shirts, quirky kitchenware, the place had it all. While Alton did want a final souvenir, he had mainly entered the large store to increase his chances of receiving a Moment to Smile. He’d been trying to get the attention of anyone who looked likely to hand one out for the entirety of his trip, but no dice. If he hung around long enough, maybe his luck would change. Besides, he always relished a chance to spend more time in the theme park.

Alton picked up a particularly awesome limited edition Funko figurine of Gary Gator and Cecil Croc, the park mascots, riding on Fire Mountain. It would look so cool on the Wonder Realms shelf in his bedroom. But one look at the price tag, and he cringed. “Hey, mom…” he began to ask.

She quickly shut him down. “You’ve already spent enough this trip as it is! Whatever final day souvenir you want has to come out of your own money.”

Alton opened up his wallet and sulked. He had a few dollar bills, and a ton of change. Just about enough to get a collectable pin. He put back the limited edition collectable and sauntered over to the pins. He spun the rack around, looking for something “final day” worthy.

As time drew on, Alton’s mom stepped outside to wait for him instead of getting in the way as he gawked at pins. He had narrowed his decision down to a pin with Gary Gator outside the new Planetary Showdown coaster, or the special 50th anniversary pin with the theme park’s icon, the imposing Merlin’s Tower that sat in the center of the park. Truthfully, he was only biding his time and stretching things out before he had to leave for good. Maybe his indecision would attract the attention of one of the frighteningly cheerful park employees, colloquially known as realm artisans. He ummed and ahhed loudly until he heard a chipper voice to his side. “Excuse me sir, do you need any help?”

Alton jumped at his sudden appearance, and looked up. He stammered “Uhm, no. Yes. Maybe. If you don’t mind. Just, uh, deciding on pins.”

He couldn’t help but feel intimidated by the man. He was fantastically buff, more than double the size of Alton himself. His uniform was taut across his athletic frame, the sleeves looked ready to burst. He’d never seen a man so packed with muscle in his life, not up close anyway. He’d seen statues in museums, and he’d seen wrestlers on TV but they paled in comparison to the real deal. Yet despite his overtly masculine body, The man had soft, inoffensive features framed by short, golden curls. There was an ethereally ageless beauty that made him look both young and old at once. Like every realm artisan, there was a smile permanently fixed to his face. However, he radiated authentic charm unlike a majority of the employees who faked their cheerful façade. Alton glanced at his name tag: Magnus, no last name.

The man placed a hand on his hip and the other against the wall, leaning forwards. “Last day huh?”

Alton slumped his shoulders in self-pity. “How could you tell?”

“I see this ploy often. Nobody likes to leave the most amazing place on the planet. But you seem more stubborn than the others…” There was a lilt to his voice, a slight Irish accent. He crouched down to one knee and rested his elbow on his bent knee, his chin on his fist. His flexed arm could have been thicker than Alton’s head. “Why don’t you tell me what’s wrong. Maybe I can provide some assistance.”

Alton sighed. Normally he wouldn’t tell a complete stranger his woes, especially one so frighteningly swole, but the man had a compelling charm that made it difficult not to spill his guts. “Well my dad got a new job recently, in Canada… We all have to move with him, and that means a lot of changes. A new home, a new school. But the worst change is no more Wonder Realms… Do you know how much a flight from Ottawa to Florida costs? More than the amount gas costs to drive here from Georgia. And that’s one ticket! My dad said we can’t afford to come back again for a while. So this is my last visit to the Wonder Realms for the near future…” He pouted and looked to the ground. He was normally sad when leaving the park for another year, but he always had that glimmer of hope knowing they’d be back the following year. This time, however, that glimmer had been extinguished.

Magnus clutched his chest and tutted. “There’s no frowning in the Wonder Realms,” he claimed, making Alton crack a smile. He stood back up with a swing of his mighty arms. "That sounds like a rough time for you, buddy. I’d love to help, but I can’t exactly magic up a relocation for you.”

Alton sighed. “If only… then I could spend all my time at the Realms instead of a few days a year.”

The man’s expression changed slightly. He still smiled, but it seemed more cunning. Almost mischievous. “You’d really like that huh? To grow up with the Wonder Realms?”

“More than anything!” Alton cried. But that was impossible. If only his dad had gotten a job in Orlando instead of Ottawa. Then he could practically live in the park. Maybe even become a realm artisan himself when he was older.

Magnus stroked his chin with a smirk. “Tell you what, I’ll give you a discount on both of those pins, plus I’ll throw in a little something to help with your troubles.“

When Magnus turned his back to guide him to the nearest cash register, Alton pumped his fist in the air and silently cheered. This was it, his Moment To Smile! His mind raced at the possibilities. A VIP tour of areas not usually accessible to guests. A week in the luxurious Wonder Realms Hotel & Spa. It could even be a lifetime pass! Then they’d have to come back to the Wonder Realms next year! They really did go above and beyond in this place. Just another reason Alton was a Realmhead. The online theme park fan community he was a part of referred to themselves as such. He didn’t have much of a social circle outside of the internet. While plenty of teens liked and visited the Wonder Realms, his obsession with the park didn’t go down well among his peers. Maybe folks were more open-minded in Ottawa…

With the added discount, the pins came to exactly the amount of change Alton had left, tax and all. As he emptied his faux leather wallet onto the counter, Magnus reached underneath it and produced a tiny box. He placed it alongside his purchase. “I hope this brings you a smile,” he began. “And I hope I see you again real soon,” he added with a sly wink.

Alton picked up the box and raised an eyebrow. It certainly wasn’t a lifetime pass, that’s for sure. Maybe it was another pin? He opened it up and pulled out an oval shaped name tag, the very same the realm artisans used! However, it had someone else’s name on it. There must have been a mix-up somewhere. Alton looked up to ask the man but he’d vanished. He didn’t understand how such a large man could get lost within the crowd of people still mingling inside the shop, yet he was nowhere to be seen. He flipped the name tag over in his hands and winced. "Ow!” He’d pricked his thumb on the safety pin on its backside. He frowned and dropped the box into his backpack, a gift was a gift after all.

Replacement Dad

The air was brimming with tension. Adam glanced nervously at the man sat in the armchair, a freshly brewed cup of coffee in his hands. He was a lean, scruffy man in his late forties wearing a plaid dressing gown that he'd retrieved for him after their unfortunate first meeting. They hadn't spoke for several minutes now. Adam was starting to sweat from anxiety, waiting for the stoic man to yell at him in anger. He took a long sip of coffee, then finally he looked Adam in the eye. Instead of anger, he spoke calmly with a bit of grit in his voice. "So tell me again what happened exactly."

Adam took a deep breath, and replied "I made a wish last night, and then it came true."

"And that wish was...?"

"For my best friend to be my real dad..."

"And that's why I'm now a 48 year old, widowed father of one? A botched wish?"

Adam was on the verge of tears. He said "I only meant it jokingly because you're so kind to me, and my real dad is so evil... I didn't know it would actually come true! I'm sorry, I didn't mean it!"

Captions

I've been having a bit of writer's block recently, so I thought instead of doing longer stories, I'd make some shorter captioned stories instead. I used a randomiser to pick out some pictures I have saved to see what I could come up with.

(Age Progression, Teen > Middle Age)

So let me go over the plan one last time. You want me to act as your dad so I can convince the school to let you join the drama club trip to New York despite the fact you're not a member? I dunno man, it's pretty convoluted. Wouldn't it be easier to join the club? We could always use another stagehand. It's just... This is different from playing a role, the costume has literally made me a father figure. Besides, what if they know what your dad looks like? We barely resembled each other before I grew up, and I definitely don't look like him now. No offence but I have more hair than him, I'm in much better shape, and I'm far more handsome too... Damn, I grew up to be awesome... Yeah yeah, I know! It's only "temporary", but can't I take a few minutes to check out the goods before I have to... Sigh, fine! But after I've nailed my greatest role by convincing the school board it would be discriminatory to not let you go on the trip, I'm taking advantage of this opportunity. We did split the costume fee after all, and I'm going to get my money's worth. I wonder if I can get into a bar without ID...

Missing The Dance

My friend, Alex, and I were supposed to be going to the end of year dance at school, yet for some reason he was ignoring me. I'd been waiting outside his house for 10 minutes now. I rang the doorbell for a third time. "Come on dude, I can see you standing there, open the door!" I glared through the frosted windows, waiting for the blurry figure in the corridor to move. "The dance started half an hour ago. You've spoken non-stop about it for the past month!" I waited a few more moments until I sighed in faux-disappointment. "Oh well, I guess you left me with no choice but to use the spare key you keep under the-"

"NO!" he shouted, suddenly rushing to the door and slamming his weight into it to prevent me from opening it. "I already told you. I've come down with something, and I don't want you to catch it." He coughed a little before continuing "It's a shame I can't go, but don't worry. Just go without me."

I weighed up my options. He did sound unwell. his voice was rough and gravelly. But he once went to Six Flags with pneumonia, so I know even illness wouldn't keep him away. "I'm not leaving this doorstep until you're by my side bro, you know that."

He sighed and said "I do... But it's hard to explain. I can't leave the house, not like this..."

"What is it, a huge zit on the nose? Horrible haircut? Ugly rental suit?"

"It's difficult to put in words..." There was a moment of silence until he sighed loudly and grumbled "fine. I'll show you. But don't freak out or anything! It's going to be a shock."

Vignettes: Halloween Costumes

Miles entered Costume Plaza with awe. He'd never seen so many costumes in his life! He didn't know where to begin looking. He was eventually drawn to a rack near the entrance labelled "LAST MINUTE COSTUMES!". He swept through the rack, until he discovered a bag filled with army wear, labelled "Demolition Hawk". The name sounded somewhat familiar to him. Curious,  he brought the bag into the changing room to jog his memory. He pulled on a long pair of camouflage pants, slipped on the large, heavy boots, and stuck the helmet on his head. However, it seemed like an incomplete costume. Where was the shirt?

His question was answered when he felt a sudden pressure inside his body. He felt himself lurch up to the ceiling, almost doubling in height. Then his body burst outwards with pounds of muscle. His chest comically inflated like balloons into perfect slabs of luscious meat, while his stomach pulsated until a beautiful pair of abs emerged from within. His arms and legs swelled up in quick succession, growing to almost unrealistic proportions. Dark tattoos pierced through his skin, elaborately decorating his right arm and torso. His jawline reshaped itself into a squared off visage, finished off with a perfectly manicured beard.

Astonished, Miles ran a hand across his meaty body, feeling his plump pecs. He traced a finger across the tattoos that adorned his bicep, involuntarily flexing his arm in the process. He looked familiar somehow. He stroked his chin partially in thought, and partially to scratch his facial hair. Suddenly, he remembered. Demolition Hawk! From that gritty 90s army cartoon! He used to watch it with his dad all the time before he started school. He had always admired Demo, always wanted to be like him when he grew up. "Guess I got my wish" he said in a low, rumbling voice, flexing his arm with a grin. Hopefully the Halloween event didn't have too strict of a dress code.